hearts set on pilgrimage

2008-10-16T11:24:00.000-07:00

For lack of a better place to put it. This marvelous article about Was the War Worth It needs to be read in light of all the rhetoric of the election about Iraq. It's from 2005, but still relevant. If you think you have newer information which effects the analysis of the article, please let me know.

2008-10-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

After reading the WSJ lately, and seeing all the market charts, I read 2 Cor 4:17-18 and thought about what really matters.

2006-04-13T12:48:00.000-07:00

Let there be "Palm Christian Fellowship"

Ever since I started working at Palm, I've been after starting a prayer meeting there. We started one at PalmSource and had a great time. It's amazing how differently I experience my work life when Christ's body is manifest in that place. Just knowing there are brothers and sisters around me praying for Palm, praying for each other... but that's not what this post is about. It's about how God gets things done.

Every time I thought about starting a prayer meeting, I felt a nudge that it wasn't the right time yet. I've been practicing paying attention to those nudges and how to discern a nudge from God from my own internal nudging. Anyway, I honored this one. Over the last 11 months I've regularly checked in, "Is it time?", "Nope." Oh, well.

Last week I got a different nudge, "It's time." I got excited. I created an Outlook meeting invite "Palm Christian Fellowship Prayer Meeting", reserved a room at lunch and made 2 phone calls. I knew of 2 people who mentioned church activities. Two yes's later I sent the invite out, with the encouragement to forward it to anyone who might be interested. That was Monday (4/10). One person (plus myself) showed up and we had a delightful conversation and prayed for Palm, its employees, leaders, customers, and that God's Kingdom would manifest here. It was great.

The person who came forwarded the invite to someone she thought would be interested, he forwarded it to 2 people he thought would be interested. One of them sent an email to friends in Apple Christian Fellowship asking for prayer for Palm Christian Fellowship. And two of my friends in Apple Christian Fellowship emailed me back asking if I knew anything about it. This happened in a matter of 2 days. I find it hilarious and glorious at the same time. God can take a tiny seed and grow it into whatever He wants.

So now there's a Palm Christian Fellowship. Today we have 6 people, and I think we'll probably get a lot more as the word spreads person-to-person. It's been about a week since I created the Outlook invite. As I look back, creating the meeting in Outlook was an act of faith, a prophetic act if you will. I didn't know what God would do with it. I still don't know what He will do with it. But God has bigger plans I don't know the details of. I just know its going to be good, because He's good.

2005-05-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

Personal News/Praise Report!

Thank you for all your help, thoughts, prayers, and support through my job search. Thanks to your help, I will be starting Monday, May 23 at palmOne as an Engineering Program Manager. As an EPM I will be responsible for the successful coordination and project management of anything from a software component to an entire device release.

For those who don’t know, palmOne, inc. is the mobile computing device company which makes the Treo, Tungsten and Zire product lines. These all run the Palm OS software produced by my former employer, PalmSource, inc. (Both these companies used to be combined as Palm, Inc until a couple of years ago.)

I’m very excited about this new opportunity! And I’m going to miss spending so much time around my family. Since we are homeschooling our kids, I was able to be with them every day. It was a great time in our lives. I'm sure God will continue to give us more adventures!

2005-05-13T18:30:00.000-07:00

2 Sam 24 He tested David by telling him , "Go and take a census of Israel and Judah"
1 Chr 21 Now Satan entered the scene and seduced David into taking a census of Israel.

I find it interesting, but not troubling, that in the 2 Samuel version God is responsible, and in the 2 Chronicles version Satan is mentioned as the instigator. Ultimately, God is the great instigator, the first cause. He is sovereign. In the 2 Sam passage, it is prefaced by "Once again God's anger blazed out against Israel."

God's anger, Satan's seduction, David's sin, God's punishment, David's repentence. And in all this the first passage says that God "tested" David.

I was watching my son use the typing tutor on the computer. He said, "I hope I pass this test". The program was measuring his performance against a pre-programmed standard. If he was fast and accurate enough, it would teach him new keys, if not, he'd get more practice on the same keys until he could "pass the test". The designers intent was to give Matt the most appropriate tasks next so he could learn to type. There was no moral assessment.

I believe that God, though he was angry with Israel, was still acting out of love for David in testing him. David was an experienced military commander by this time. He wasn't the same man that stepped out before Goliath with a sling and 5 smooth stones declaring that the Lord would win the battle. David needed to learn where he had developed a reliance on his military competence rather than God's faithfulness. His general knew what was wrong: "May your GOD multiply people by the hundreds right before the eyes of my master the king, but why on earth would you do a thing like this?"

This is not an issue of deprecating our skill vs our faith. We're clearly called to use our talents for the Kingdom. However, it was clear in the history of Israel that God had established the military success of the Israelites as a place where He showed His glory, His might, and His favor. David made the mistake of trying to take that function over and use his skill where God was clearly claiming the glory. It was a gift from God that David was corrected. And God redeemed the situation by making the site where His compassion halted the angel of death the site of His temple in Jerusalem.

Even God's anger at our sin, results in His gifts to us. God disciplines us as sons. (Even in the Old Testament!)

2005-04-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

A Costly Mistake

1 Sam 22:22
David said to Abiathar, "I knew it--that day I saw Doeg the Edomite there, I knew he'd tell Saul. I'm to blame for the death of everyone in your father's family. (The Message)

Synopsis
David is fleeing King Saul who is trying to kill him. He tells the priest Ahimelech that he's on a mission from Saul, and Ahimelech helps David. Saul's chief shepherd, Doeg, happens to be in the neighborhood and sees this. Doeg tells Saul that Ahimelech helped David and Saul has all 85 priests in Ahimelech's family group killed along with their families, even their livestock. Only one survives: Abiathar. When Abiathar meets up with David, David takes responsibility for the catastrophe.

David could have blamed Doeg. He could have blamed Saul--David didn't kill anyone. Saul didn't have to kill them. Maybe Doeg wouldn't have told Saul. Who knows? But David very decisively takes the blame, and the obligation to protect Abiathar.

David was on the run, he was alone and friendless. What could he do anyway? Kill Saul's official? Taken all the priests and their families with him to exile? He didn't even have bread to feed himself. But David didn't rationalize his responsibility away.

It's uncomfortable to take blame. It triggers all my guilt issues. But if I won't take blame then I won't take responsibility. I lose the opportunity to learn, and to be mindful of my responsibility in the moment. The next time David is in the moment and he sees a "Doeg", he'll be motivated to take action, rather than blame-shift or rationalize until its too late.

David's mistake was that he didn't take action when he could have. Blame-shifting and rationalization can paralyze me from taking action in the moment. So I need to be able to claim the blame to give myself the respond-ability.

I can't take blame well; I get bound up in condemnation. It paralyzes me in the moment. But I have found that "There is now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus!" If I'm robed in Jesus's righteousness I can resist condemning myself and I can take the blame and responsibility.

I'm going to practice taking the blame, standing in the righteousness of Jesus, and take action. Jesus doesn't call me to feel as much as he calls me to act.

2005-04-12T10:44:00.000-07:00

Taking Effective Action

1 Samuel 13:6-14 (let me know if you'd rather have the passage text here)

All the leadership books would have gotten this one wrong.

Saul is the leader of Israel's army, getting ready for battle. Samuel promised to come and make a sacrifice to God before the battle, but he is late. Saul's men are losing morale and deserting. So Saul makes the sacrifice himself. Saul decides to take charge, get the job done, help his men.

But he got it wrong.

It's easy for me to be an armchair 'King of Israel' and say, "Yeah, he should not have trusted in the sacrifce. He should have trusted God!" But if Saul had a weakness for religion, I have a weakness for taking action.

I've heard religion defined as "man's attempt to reach God". When I say that Saul had a weakness for religion, I mean that he put his trust more in what he did for God then what God promised to do for him. He feared facing his enemies without the sacrifice, when he should have been afraid of facing them without God. He confused his religion with his God.

Over the past couple of years, Helen and I have been in a big question about future directions. Where to live, what to do, what job, what ministry, what people, what places? We've been looking for clear leading from God, but I'm still waiting. I want to go out and make it happen, to take decisive action. The waiting is getting to my nerves. It's becoming harder to peacefully trust.

Perhaps I'm like Saul. I have to let go of my expectation of what that leading from God will be like. If Saul had concentrated on trusting God, instead of trusting his religious observances, maybe he wouldn't have taken premature action, "by now God would have set a firm and lasting foundation under your kingly rule over Israel", says Samuel.

Saul was not remembering how God used Gideon's 300 men to save Israel from Midian. Saul had at least twice that many when he panicked and made the sacrifice himself. Saul saw disaster in the men slipping away. Perhaps God saw an opportunity. By having Samuel be late, perhaps God was looking to thin the ranks so that the victory would bring greater glory to Saul's God.

God is not interested in showing the effectiveness of Saul's sacrifice. He is very interested in showing the faithfulness of Saul's God.

2005-04-11T12:36:00.000-07:00

Foolishness

I'm overhearing my wife homeschooling my children in the next room. They are having a problem with their mood today. I guess some of it is physical. We had a busy Sunday with a couple of late nights this weekend. But the way they are working it out is foolishness. They are gripped by stories about how the future will be bad. They have too much schoolwork (same amount as ever), they don't have enough time (that hasn't changed either), the schoolwork is too hard (once they are clear of their bad mood they get it done quickly). Gentle answers aren't turning aside their wrath. Foolishness has gripped them.

My devotion reading today has been in 1 Sam 11-12 and 1 Cor 11. In Samuel, Israel is foolishly demanding to be led by a king instead of by God because they think that will save them from a fierce enemy that is threatening them. Paul is lecturing the church in Corinth about the foolish way they have embraced pseudo-apostles, preachers who are trying to enslave them to the Law again.

Both Samuel's and Paul's harangue of foolish believers is messy, produces a bad mood, and sounds a bit like foolishness itself. Samuel starts by asking if he has cheated the Israelites, he has to clear the air and stop the grumbling. No one comes forth with an accusation, but the fact that Samuel had to do it to get everyone to stop grumbling is foolishness. Same with Paul and the Corinthians. For Paul to have to speak like a fool to them (as he admits himself in the text) is a further indictment. Both were good leaders who knew that the only way out was through.

"Do not answer a fool according to his folly, lest you also be like him. Answer a fool according to his folly lest, he be wise in his own eyes." Prov 26:4,5

This means to me that if you have no commitment to the fool, stay clear and don't even answer him. But if you are committed to helping him, you must show him his folly by answering him in it.

Samuel's "foolishness" brought clarity, Paul's "foolishness" brought clarity. My own foolishness doesn't look like foolishness. I'm gripped by it, I've justified it, rationalized it. Then I hear someone like a Samuel, or Paul speaking my foolishness--or the reasonable consequences of it--and the foolishness becomes apparent to me. They reflect the foolishness back to me and I can see it for foolishness and I am no longer wise in my own eyes.

Foolishness sucks, and produces a bad mood for me (and those around me). But once I'm in it, as either cause or cure, the only way out is through. I need to repent for my foolishness, and the sin at the bottom of it: unbelief, unforgiveness, pride, envy, greed.

Forgiveness and grace produce wonderful moods of peace, love and joy. The Kingdom of God is near you!

2005-04-06T10:45:00.000-07:00

"You Might As Well Face It You're Addicted To... guilt?"

I was channel-surfing last night and stumbled upon Joyce Meyer. She's a christian teacher that Helen has gotten a lot of good from, so I'm willing to listen.... Did you ever have a time when someone says something, and it just goes right in, like the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle. And suddenly you can see the whole picture for the first time.

I got a glimpse of that last night.

She talked about being "addicted to guilt". She oriented in life around her shortcomings and flaws. If there was a problem, it was because she did something wrong or didn't do something right. It was her "comfort zone", and had some payoffs for her. But it also caused her great suffering, and made her unable to find deep, lasting peace in God.

As she was talking, I suddenly had one of those glimpses into a different way of being, a peaceful existence free from blaming myself for problems, free from striving to always do better, free from constant self-improvement. It was like a brief vision of a promised land.

That vision was so blissful, so attractive, that I thought perhaps I'm addicted to guilt, too. If I take a drink of water and find it is an extraordinarily blissful experience, perhaps I was very thirsty.

I have never thought of myself as a guilt-stricken person. But I am very oriented around personal responsibility, I often find myself striving to "be better", and I often interpret problems in my life and the lives of others as character issues, sin issues. I'm relentlessly self-improving. I get burnt out with normal life. I relish approval from others. I suffer when criticized.

Now that I'm thinking about it, that sounds like a case of performance orientation.

Eugene Petersen in an interview with Christianity Today recently said that Jesus taught that the most important question in the Christian life is not "What?" or "Why?", but "How?". Jesus is very interested in "how" we live our lives.

Even if I do all the "right" things: go to church, read the Bible, pray, give to charity, help others, raise my children, be faithful to my wife, provide for my family, vote regularly, obey the Ten Commandments, etc. Jesus asks me how I do it: peacefully, faithfully, depending on God, receiving His grace, moved by His Spirit, compassionately? Remember the widow's mite? It wasn't how much she gave, but that she gave wholeheartedly, faithfully. It's the adverbs that matter in Jesus's language.

And this is not just another dimension of performance. I've heard it preached that Jesus raised the bar of performance in His sermon on the mount. He took the Ten Commandments and internalized them, made them impossible to measure, and impossible to meet to anyone who was not God. I don't think Jesus was trying to break us, I think He was trying to break the Way of The Law, the path of performance. By making it impossible for me, I'm reduced to relying on mercy and grace.

Even before the Sermon on the Mount, I wasn't keeping the commandments, but I was fooling myself. And I fool myself still, when I look at my performance as the relevant assessment. Jesus is still asking me, "How? With love? compassion? Trusting Me? With peace?"

And Jesus is not challenging me to better performance with this question of "How?". He is calling me to give up the striving, give up the thinking and doing that blinded the rich young ruler to his addiction to his high position and the trappings that went with it: his performance. He is calling me to repentence, redemption, restoration, trust in Him, and blissfully: peace. I am thirsty for peace.

Now I've got some difficulties in my life, and I'm getting burnt out on trying to solve them myself, even to solve them through prayer (because its based on my prayer performance, not God's goodness). I don't think I should stop taking effective action to handle my concerns (the "What?"). I'll keep working, I'll keep praying, but not because "its the right thing to do, and I have to do the right thing or else it won't work and it'll be my fault and I've got to do it right..." But because God has peace for me, He wants to bless me, and it is peaceful to be yoked together with Him: working His garden, being a blessing to others.

Because that is the Kingdom life to which He has called me: being right with God, being at peace, and full of joy.

2005-04-06T10:17:00.000-07:00

Psalm 65 in The Message is so beautiful to me. It works its way from intimate praise, to redemption of His people, around to a Creator of a glorious world and back again to praise--not intimate this time but all-creation praise. He speaks of Creation's fertility, its life-giving abundance: rain-sodden, tilled earth; golden wheat fields; sheep "dress[ing] the canyon walls". Ah, it’s like a beautiful landscape painting. I wonder how many landscape paintings were inspired by Psalm 65.

I guess if I can look at the beauty in the world and wonder at the glory of God, people can look at the evil and wonder if there is a God. In a sense they cancel each other out, in terms of "proving God exists". It seems to me that in each case, the assumption is already made, at least speculatively, whether God exists or not.

Take it a step further: beauty moves me to think there's something Good, something great and glorious enough to create everything and make me able to appreciate it. But physical ugliness doesn't make me feel like there is something Evil, with great power to cause suffering. It's the suffering I look at and discern Evil. There is definitely an asymmetry to the whole Good/Evil thing.

I don't pretend this is rational evidence of God. But that's not the only evidence we humans use.

2005-03-30T11:08:00.000-08:00

1 Corinthians 16 ¹³Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, ¹⁴and love without stopping. (The Message)

The whole 1 Cor 16 chapter seems very pragmatic, some logistic advice, travel plans, some thanks for help given, references for others travelling, requests for a favor, and some final greetings. It's a very casual chapter, not officious or theological.

But in the middle, in the midst of the pragmatism: clear-headed, terse, non-religious, spiritual advice. It's like a breath of fresh air in the midst of my "devotions". It has a very action-oriented feel.

So lets get to it!

2005-03-28T09:53:00.000-08:00

Judges 4:9 [Deborah said, ]“With an attitude like that, there’ll be no glory in it for you. God will use a woman’s hand to take care of Sisera. (The Message)

So there is personal glory to be had in serving the Lord? And Barak's attitude (dependence on Deborah) seems to disqualify Barak from this glory. Deborah seems to mean this as a rebuke for Barak, but I was always taught to give all the glory to God. Perhaps we may do glorious deeds in the worldly sense of doing a notable act. If you win a Olympic medal—for God—you are still given glory from the world: press coverage, commercial endorsements, etc. Deborah seems to think personal glory is a fine motivation. I don’t think she was praising Barak’s sacrifice of his glory. By indicating that a woman would kill Sisera, she seems to be saying that the woman will get some legitimate, desirable, personal glory.

I guess at this point in history, slaying an enemy of Israel is a good deed, a Kingdom of God Act. The point of Deborah’s rebuke was that he didn’t have faith to go by himself; he needed Deborah’s moral support. He relied on Deborah, not Deborah’s God, the God of Israel.

The song of Deborah and Barak in Judges 5 extolls the virtues of showing up for God. Some tribes rallied to God's banner, others went about their own business. Barak and Deborah and Jael, the woman who killed Sisera with a tent peg, do get personal glory. They did what they were made for, serving God, with all the human virtues they could bring to it. When submitted to God, even a desire for glory can be redeemed, sanctified and be of service to God. And God gets the glory for being God of these heroes, and recognized as the one who gives the victory.

So what are the Kingdom of God Acts that we can get glory for today?
Where am I relying on someone else’s relationship with God? Where should I be nurturing my own relationship with God in order to accomplish the Kingdom of God things that are mine to do?

2005-03-27T00:11:00.000-08:00

This is the main reason why I'm not working in international adoptions anymore. I have been looking for something that explains it concisely, and I finally found it.

Please pray that Russia opens up its process quickly.

2005-03-11T11:06:00.000-08:00

Thanks, Birgit, for pointing me to the site.
Here's where I've been:

create your own visited countries map

That's right, I still owe you a blog on my trip to Argentina. Anyway, this shows that I've met my goal of visiting all six inhabitable continents!

So here's my travels through these United States as well:

create your own visited states map

2005-03-07T11:57:00.000-08:00

Mark 14
While he was eating dinner, a woman came up carrying a bottle of very expensive perfume. Opening the bottle, she poured it on his head. Some of the guests became furious among themselves. "That's criminal! A sheer waste! This perfume could have been sold for well over a year's wages and handed out to the poor."
But Jesus said, "Let her alone. Why are you giving her a hard time? She has just done something wonderfully significant for me. You will have the poor with you every day for the rest of your lives. Whenever you feel like it, you can do something for them." (The Message)

The Good
The woman was living in God’s story, not the commonsense of “doing the right thing”. And because she lived in God’s story in that moment of her life, she is now in God’s story for as long as that story is told.

The Bad
Jesus caught the hypocrisy of the indignant guests. They were quick to condemn her action and spend her money on the poor easily enough. He turned it around on them, “Whenever you feel like it you can do something for them.” Mind your own business.

The Ugly
This suggests to me what judging others is all about. “He should have done this. She should have done that.” And since they didn’t, we feel more righteous by being in a story about how they are less righteous.

I think I most often fall into this when I think of people in positions of authority. Judging others is a common pastime at offices where I’ve worked. I’ve judged employees, co-workers, managers, and executives--especially executives. The higher the authority, the more indignant I become. I think that because they get paid more than me, I get to judge them. Boy that sure looks crazy when I write it down and read it. Sounded more plausible half-whispered to myself as I’m indulging in a complaint against the latest “ineptitude” of the CEO.

I wonder about that lady with the perfume. I’ve heard that at that time perfume was a portable way to save up money: one little jar was a year’s wages. She must have been wealthy to even possess that perfume. When a poor widow gave her last two pennies in the offering box Jesus said it was “more than all the rest” who had given bags of gold. The woman with the perfume sacrifices something big for Him, and it’s not how big the offering is that matters—again. I see that for Jesus size doesn’t matter. It’s all about the story a person is in.

If you are in God’s story, acting consistent with His concerns, relating to Him, working with Him, accepting His interpretations and assessments; then you get what you want: His way. If you are in some other story, about being "righteous", about being "pure", about anything else that has more to do with you than Him, then you get what you want: Your way.

+++ Father, my way hasn’t worked very well. Your way has never failed me. Keep me in Your story of love, faithfulness and hope. Forgive me for straying into judging others. Help me to hold no opinion that doesn’t serve a purpose in Your Kingdom.+++

2005-03-04T09:43:00.000-08:00

Mark 11
Jesus was matter-of-fact: "Embrace this God-life. Really embrace it, and nothing will be too much for you. This mountain, for instance: Just say, "Go jump in the lake'--no shuffling or shilly-shallying--and it's as good as done. That's why I urge you to pray for absolutely everything ranging from small to large. Include everything as you embrace this God-life, and you'll get God's everything. And when you assume the posture of prayer, remember that it's not all asking. If you have anything against someone, forgive--only then will your heavenly Father be included to also wipe your slate clean of sins." (The Message)

"Embrace this God-life"-- wow! Just wow! I'm swept away by the awesome, wide-open life that Jesus offers us.

I'm currently looking at a job opportunity that could be really amazing: exciting work, great salary, adventure, "really wild things" and new challenges for myself and my family. We're giddy with the possibility (caveat: this is not an offer yet). We're in a mood of heady anticipation as a family, and I read this passage today. This mood makes me realize how much more He is offering us, if we would embrace it. I can see it better now.

What would it be like to really love people, from the heart, and be able to bless them, make a difference, make them happy, really happy? What would you pay for this? But wait, you also get power, heavenly power to change circumstances, to blow the possibilities wide open so that people will be freed from addictions and the ravages of sin in their lives, so that evil cannot stand against you, so that circumstances will not constrain you. Now what would you pay? But wait, you also get an intimate friend and partner who will never leave you, never forsake you, who only wants your life to get richer and richer and who can lead you to work and challenges that excite, refresh, fill you with wonder, fill you with peace, fill you with love and joy and hope. And He will lead you to a group of people overflowing with love, joy and powerful vision, who are on the same journey of faith, hope and love.

You can't buy this, but if your hands are too full of lesser things you can't embrace it.

What trashy little things are you holding on to that keep you from embracing "this God-life"? What bitterness, what judgements, what offenses, what sins, what entitlements? What do I need to forgive? What could possibly compare to the magnificent God-life that Jesus is holding out to us?

"Just think: a life conceived by God himself!" (1 Pet 1:23)

++Oh my dear God, I worship at your feet. You are so amazing. Help me embrace all the life you have for me. All of it, all of it, all of it.++

2005-03-03T09:40:00.000-08:00

Mark 10
That set the disciples back on their heels, "Then who has any chance at all?" they asked.
Jesus was blunt, "No chance at all if you think you can pull it off by yourself. Every chance in the world if you let God do it." (The Message)

Every once in a while I consider that maybe I'm not following Jesus, maybe I'm just following the traditions that have been handed down to me--or that are the current "commonsense" about being a Christian, being saved, being a good person.

I try to make a objective assessment. But every time I come up against Jesus parable of the sheep and goats. (Matt 7:22ff) "Master, we preached the Message, we bashed the demons, our God-sponsored projects had everyone talking.' And do you know what I am going to say? "You missed the boat. All you did was use me to make yourselves important. You don't impress me one bit. You're out of here.'

I can be very hard on myself, criticize myself, question my motives, tear down my accomplishments. So its really easy to see myself in the spot where Jesus is saying, "You just used me. You're out of here."

This is one place I find the end of myself, where I can't make it happen. I'm helpless. Like step 1 of the 12 steps: I am powerless, and my (eternal) life has become unmanageble.

And this is where I go back to Mark 10. Thank God! He knows I can't pull it off by myself. I must trust--believe, depend on, rely upon, be wholly dependent on, utterly need--God to save me. If I've got it all handled, I don't need a savior. If I've filed all the right celestial forms, performed all the right spiritual duties, then I've got it handled. And that's exactly what Jesus is saying doesn't work.

So like a child, I just look up to my Father in Heaven, and trust that He'll take care of me. By His Grace, because of who He is: my Daddy in Heaven.

2005-03-02T15:12:00.000-08:00

Supplemental

Yes, we're all fine now. No more Santa Clara flu at our house. Yesterday was the first day that I felt like I could think clearly again. Thank you, God!

2005-03-02T14:59:00.000-08:00

Numbers 31 God spoke to Moses: "Avenge the People of Israel on the Midianites."
The Message

God told Moses to send out an Israelite army to “smite Midian”, because the Midianite women had seduced the Israelite men into participating in their sex-and-religion cult. It had resulted in a plague on Israel. (I see the culpability of the Israelite men and the potential double-standard here, but I'm not going to go into that. I'm assuming that God is just.)

I can relate to what the Israelite army experiences at this point. They totally beat the Midianites and plundered them. (OK, so that’s not part of my everyday life). Then when they get back to camp, Moses lays into them, “What! You have to complete the task and kill the boys and mothers too. (Again, not part of my everyday life). Then you need to purify the plunder, share half with the rest of Israel, and give a portion to the Levites and priests. (Sharing my provision with others I am familiar with.)

How I can relate: getting a direction from God, going out and succeeding at what I thought was the hard part (overcoming the Midianite army), then getting a bit distracted in the success, and losing the purpose (getting rid of Midan as a threat to Israel's holiness). I become really pleased with my success and start to enjoy the benefits of that success (again, losing sight of God’s purpose). Then I get into a breakdown which gets my attention back on God's purpose. Rinse and repeat.

Yesterday I read in Mark 8 about how Jesus didn’t want the disciples to tell people that He was the Messiah. My interpretation was that He didn’t want to get caught up in fulfilling what the crowds wanted the Messiah to be. He was doing the job God sent Him to do, and He wasn’t getting distracted.

It points me back to God to get the meaning, the purpose. It’s not enough to get the marching orders. And Jesus promises, “I tell you everything the Father told me.” We are friends not servants because God is telling us what He is doing, and not just ordering us around.

This is great news! I can press in to get the answers to my questions about “What are you doing, God?” And if I press in for that, then I don’t need to get slapped to get my attention back on His purpose. Yay!

2005-02-19T21:48:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the gap. The whole family seems to be sick. Poor Matthew got over his early and is now the "servant of all". Ethan and Annie both have fevers, I'm down with a sinus infection (under treatment), and Helen is picking up a cough as well as her chronic ailment.

God is with us to keep our spirits up, and we'd appreciate any prayers for healing.
thanks

2005-02-15T10:16:00.000-08:00

Leviticus 25 If he is not redeemed in any of these ways, he goes free in the year of Jubilee, he and his children, because the People of Israel are my servants, my servants whom I brought out of Egypt. I am God, your God. (The Message)

It must be a God-thing. I am getting a lot out of reading in Leviticus.

This passage is about how the economy of Israel is to be based on the one underlying fact: "I am your God, who brought you out of Egypt." He is making it clear that Israel is a slave who has been redeemed from Egypt, and not to consider themselves as just any other nation under the sun. God is establishing that the land He is giving them is His land, and that as redeemed slaves, they are His people. It is being loudly proclaimed throughout this Israelite Constitution. I used to think it was just a religious formula: do this because I'm God, and you're not! Which is valid from that point of view, but just any-old god can claim obedience due to superior power and the willingness to inflict consequences.

But the God of Israel is establishing His right to claim Israel as His people because of the good He has done them. Because He saved them from Egyptian slavery, because He led them to a land flowing with milk and honey, because He gave them lands and cities and riches. As the New Testament informs Christians: "You've been bought with a price, you are not your own." The Old Testament informs Israel: "You were saved from slavery, and given an inheritance by God. You are not your own."

Establishing Israel's Year of Jubilee is a continual reminder throughout their entire economy (land and labor): "The land cannot be sold permanently because the land is mine and you are foreigners--you're my tenants." and "Because the People of Israel are my servants whom I brought out of Egypt, they must never be sold as slaves."

The economic value of land and an Israelite is based on productivity as expressed in the number of years until Jubilee. Everything is clearly rented from its original owners. God keeps His claim on Israel, and gives the economic benefit to the Israelites themselves. They are responsible for the consequences of their actions, but not permanently so. God sets a limit to the downward spiral: 50 years.

I'm in awe of God's genius. He is really creating a people who are set apart as His.

And this informs me of the character of God towards me. He is the father of the Prodigal Son. The Prodigal Son who sold himself, but was redeemed by his father and restored to his inheritance. Now I can hear the Prodigal Son story as a reflection of what God set up in ancient Israel. He knows we go astray and He has made provision. All the sacrifices, all the Jubilee laws were designed for His wayward people. He knows us well.

And I can relax! I can find peace in His great provision! Even if I go astray, He will welcome me back. This is about relationship, not rules. This great grace of our good God. How wonderful, how marvelous! What incredible bounty! What love!

Now to pass it on...

2005-02-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

Leviticus 17 This is so the Israelites will bring to God the sacrifices that they're in the habit of sacrificing out in the open fields. They must bring them to God and the priest at the entrance to the Tent of Meeting and sacrifice them as Peace-Offerings to GOD. (The Message)

I've been reading through all the regulations that God gave the Israelites. I've had the typical response of: booooorrrrrrriiiiiinnnnngggggg! But for some reason this time I'm struck with God's insistence that His people be different. It's so easy to take for granted the thousands of years of Judeo-Christian history which is in my background of obviousness.

These people had none of this. Their background of obviousness seemed to include making sacrifices out in the fields, that was where you did it. Now God is saying, "No more. Do it my way." And the people seemed to have some problem making the shift. I speculate its like when I have to write with my left hand, it just doesn't feel right. I'm not used to it. It's wrong!

God made so many rules, because He wanted to make His people different. In some of them I can see the transcendent truth, or the pragmatic health benefits. But sometimes it just seems arbitrary, like when He killed Aaron's two sons who had the bright idea to grab some incense and bring it before the Lord. I'm not a Bible scholar (and any that are reading, please give me more background to this if you have it), but I speculate that they were thinking, "Hey, I've got a good idea, let's do the incense/censor thing, like we did back in Egypt!" And God killed them! But though I used to think this was pretty harsh, I'm thinking now that He had given a "ground floor opportunity" to be His priests, and if they were going to start adding things because they thought it was a good idea, God wasn't going to be able to create a special people that would bear his name. And for this, the priests couldn't be in charge, He needed to be in charge. I'm guessing that right after God killed them, these guys are in heaven saying, "Doh!"

Jesus warned us to avoid the leaven of the Pharisees. I think part of what Jesus was talking about is this desire on our part to add our own "special sauce" to God's ways. I hear God say, "Wait. Don't go adding your sauce to it. Try it my way first. Taste and see that the Lord is good."

But the "special sauce" isn't obvious. At least, it doesn't seem to me that it is. If I knew it was just my way, and not the Lord's it would be a simple matter. But what do I think is God's way, that is really my way? I guess it becomes the most problematic when I try to put it on someone else. They usually don't like that. So that's where it will become the most observable, in conflicts or misunderstandings with others.

In general, I'm pretty minimalist about what I think of what others do or say. But there are times when my feedback has been a blessing to someone. So now I can't just shut my mouth and stay out of trouble. God wants me to make a contribution to other people. Skill required.

++Lord, point out when I'm lighting "strange fire", and keep me loving.++

2005-02-09T09:35:00.000-08:00

Acts 16 We knew now for sure that God had called us to preach the good news to the Europeans. (The Message)

Previously, the Jerusalem church had approved preaching to non-Jews and not requiring circumcision for conversion. On Paul's next trip, nearly the first thing he does is have a Greek youth circumsized to avoid trouble with the Jews. God did not require the circumcision, but to the Jews it was such a strong narrative of being a holy nation by obeying the special rules God gave them, that Paul thought it best to have Timothy circumsized to avoid trouble.

Now with the dream of the Macedonian, another barrier is broken: Asiatic vs European. The Gospel had not been preached to Europeans yet, it was still an Asiatic phenomenon. It almost seems like Luke is hinting at some kind of struggle within the missionaries about extending their ministry to Europeans. How easy it is to be influenced by our own discomfort with those different from us. Seems obvious to us now that when God said "the whole earth" He meant "the whole earth". But before God accomplished all that He accomplished in Acts, it was not obvious at all.

Boy we really have boundaries in our common sense that God has to help us with to do things His way. We think "Of course, didn't Jesus say, 'To the ends of the earth'?" But I appreciate Paul's openness to embrace these radical new narratives, peoples, customs. I think it was a paradigm shift to embrace the Europeans as part of the Kingdom of God. We live in a very global culture and I suspect we're more used to these differences than people in the early church. Especially before Paul's missionary journeys.

Are there boundaries that God wants to lead me across that I am balking at because I'm not comfortable crossing them? Are there people He wants me to reach out to that are on the other side of some border that was invisible to me because it was so obvious that I couldn't cross it? Are there ways He wants me to be and do which do not seem part of the Kingdom to me now?

I'm looking for a new job, is there a place God would have me be a marketplace minister that I would never have thought of working?

++Thanks for your grace with my limitations. Lord, open me to Your ways.++

2005-02-02T10:50:00.000-08:00

^{Exodus 33:15}Moses said, "If your presence doesn't take the lead here, call this trip off right now. ¹⁶How else will it be known that you're with me in this, with me and your people? Are you traveling with us or not? How else will we know that we're special, I and your people, among all other people on this planet Earth?"¹⁷GOD said to Moses: "All right. Just as you say; this also I will do, for I know you well and you are special to me. I know you by name."
(The Message)

Moses understood God's plan for revealing Himself to the world through a special people. Moses didn't say that Israel was his people, that it was his plan. Moses knew that it was initiated by God and depended on God for success. How patient God is! Though some call Him harsh, even ruthless, that is His mercy. He is committed to producing the best future for us.
So I will trust in Him. Even though it's February and I still don't have a job, even though I've had this cold for 5 days, even though things aren't going the way I want them to. Even though my life is going by too fast and I'm not accomplishing what I had hoped. I will trust in God and I will not act fearfully.

2005-01-31T10:41:00.000-08:00

^{Exodus 30:44}I'll make the Tent of Meeting and the Altar holy. I'll make Aaron and his sons holy in order to serve me as priests. ⁴⁵I'll move in and live with the Israelites. I'll be their God. ⁴⁶They'll realize that I am their GOD who brought them out of the land of Egypt so that I could live with them. I am GOD, your God.^{Acts 7:53}You had God's Law handed to you by angels--gift-wrapped!-and you squandered it!"
(The Message)

Ethan, my 8-year-old son came to me this morning with the Exodus passage and asked what it meant and what could he do about it. He's really getting the idea about devotions being application. A few weeks ago, I dedicated a week of my devotions to going through it with him. We use LifeJournal's daily reading, there's a version for kids that tracks with the adult version, so we study the same thing. Now he still comes with questions (which is great!), but mostly he has some idea of what he wants to write in his journal.

So I told him what the verse meant to me, and it was great to have to explain it to an 8-year-old. You can't get away with any religious hand-waving. It's got to make sense. Took me a couple of tries.

When God says that Aaron and his family are holy, its part of his plan to take someone and make them different than everyone else around them. That way, He could bless them, and everyone would know that He was God, not some god that everyone else was following. He had to make a special people, a different people.

So Ethan asks me, "Oh, so everyone would know God and be able to follow Him too?" (I love this guy!)
"Not 'til Jesus came. Before that, God was making a special people to show everyone who He was through His people and His law. It was different than the other people around them."
"So what do I put down for my application?", was his ever-practical reply.
"Well, we still need to be different than the people around us, and to let God bless us, and bless them through us; so that they know that Jesus is God and learn to follow Him."
"Yeah, but what can I do.", he persisted. I wasn't reaching him.
"Well the Israelites had to obey God's laws to be holy. What is the greatest commandment?"
"Love God?" (Thank you Sunday School teacher!)
"Yes, Love God, AND love your neighbor as yourself." Can't do one without the other.
"Ok, thanks Daddy.", as he goes off to find his pencil.
Thank you, Ethan!

---
The Acts 7 passage was Stephen's accusation of the Sanhedrin. Stephen does this awesome job of summarizing God's work in the Israelites, the point I was trying to make to Ethan. The whole point of a Holy Nation, was for God to send His message by making a people different than the people around them. That's why He is so zealous that they put away the "old things", the Egyptian-thinking, the worship of every god they come across. This is why God calls Israel's idolatry by the name of adultery. It's not only a powerful metaphor for how personally God takes it, its also the same biological problem with adultery: who's is the child? (this was before DNA testing, right?) If God is making a people to put His name on (the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob), then if they are worshipping other gods, how is the world to know that they are His, and who He is by looking at them?

So if God's purpose was to produce a Holy Nation in the Old Testament, to set the stage for Jesus to come to be the embodyment of His nature, His character; then the suppression of the prophecies, the scriptural interpretation of the Messiah, and then the suppression of the Messiah Himself is to stand athwart the path of the Living God. No wonder Stephen is so upset by the Sanhedrin. They were given front-row seats to God's grand purpose, and they didn't bother showing up, in fact, they scorned it. They felt the seats were important because it was theirs, not that the seats were important because they were God's.

So, as Ethan asks, "What can I do?"
Honestly, I don't know. I can start by appreciating God's mercy and grace in giving me a place in His plan by reaching out and saving me. Then do my part by being Loved and loving. Be a blessing to all the nations, starting with my neighbor. Show God's love freely as I was freely Loved. And God, who has been relentlessly executing His plan, will continue to show Himself to be who He is through loving, blessing, and saving the whole world, starting with my neighbor.

+++Who are we blessing today, Lord?+++

2005-01-26T13:29:00.000-08:00

Blogdate: Supplemental

Check out the new pic in my template!
Look ma, I'm editing html!

(If you don't recognize the background, that's because its in the southern hemisphere. In case you couldn't tell. Just trying to be helpful.)

2005-01-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

Exodus 16 Moses said, "Since it will be God who gives you meat for your meal in the evening and your fill of bread in the morning, it's God who will have listened to your complaints against him."

Acts 2 And all the believers lived in a wonderful harmony, holding everything in common.
(The Message)

God provides in different ways. In the desert, quail flew into the camp, and manna fell in the morning. In the early church at Jerusalem, they lived "in common". The Israelites were given a clear command (and they were being tested), the Jerusalem church lived out of their sense of mission (see Acts 1 entry yesterday). Subsequently Peter declares that Ananias and Saphira didn't need to bring their money to the apostles. There was no command to living "in common". The people were led by the Spirit.

Paul talkes about earning his provision through his labor, without confessing any sin, or lack of faith. In some places he relied on gifts and hospitality, and in this he confesses no sin. Paul even said, "He who does not work, shall not eat." to one of the churches (Paul was addressing an abuse of living "in common").

So God's provision comes in many different forms. To focus on the form is to miss the opportunity to rely on God's leading every day.

And since I don't have a job right now, God's provision is where I'm living.

++How are you providing for us today, Lord?++

2005-01-25T10:27:00.000-08:00

Acts 1
They agreed they were in this for good, completely together in prayer, the women included. Also Jesus' mother, Mary, and his brothers.
(The Message)

In Exodus, God calls His people to celebrate the Passover as a Holy people, set apart. No one uncircumsized could eat the meal. God set up his boundaries for who was in the group, and who was outside. Jesus' followers became a people as they dedicated themselves to Jesus' commission, and each other.

We are not here, on earth, to please ourselves. We are a People, a Company, a Body. We are committed to what Jesus' told us to do in his commissioning ("You will be my witnesses..."), and to each other.

It is part of my ambition to be devoted to God's purpose for me. This includes being a member of His Body. Any group doesn't exist without some criteria for membership. Since the purpose of this group is to be witnesses, then the criteria must be faith in Jesus. And to be effective, any group needs to be organized around its purpose. How can it be organized unless the members have the tactics, skills, resources to accomplish the interim purposes which combine to produce the ultimate purpose of witnessing to the life-giving power of Jesus? So God is organizing us with roles: apostles, prophets, pastors, teachers. He has also given us supernatural and natural gifts: helping, mercy, knowledge, wisdom, administration, prophecy, tongues, healings, miracles, faith, teaching, etc.

Do I know what inventory of tactics/gifts/abilities God has produced in me? Can I use this inventory to find new ways for me to bless others and use my "talents"? I need to examine myself and see what I have to give. And then give, give, give.

The LEIP conference I recently attended spent time discussing strategy and tactics in business. Also, groups, organization and structure. I'm working these distinctions and seeing them in my study of the Bible, and how God has organized His Body. How wonderfully personal, intimate, immediate, and at the same time cosmic! God created a pragmatic as well as a spiritual existence for us, and I marvel in how the best worldly wisdom is just revealing the great and awesome Wisdom of God. Hallelujah!

2005-01-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

I've been at a LEIP conference for the past 3 days, it continues tomorrow morning as well. We are studying economics with the help of the book The Armchair Economist. I'm exhausted. After a full day of rigorous learning, I went to my friend Amy's wedding. It was a great bash! She and Bill looked very happy. Great a capella group for entertainment, good food, and great people. Saw a lot of PalmSource people. Helen looked beautiful and we had a good time.

I'm toast now. Goodnight.
Look, I've sold out to Amazon and I'm an affiliate. If you buy the book, I get a piece of the action. I thought it appropriate for an economics book.

If you object to this, please comment.

2005-01-18T17:13:00.000-08:00

Bonus Post

My Life Journal entry for today:

Jesus said, "Go ahead - see again! Your faith has saved and healed you!" the healing was instant: he looked up, seeing - and then followed Jesus, glorifying God. Everyone in the street joined in, shouting praise to God. Luke 18 (MSG)

The blind man was just doing another day: begging at the side of the road. Something unusual happened, a parade was going by and he asked what the commotion was about. When he heard it was Jesus, faith welled up inside him: this wasn't business as usual, this was The Messiah! He was ready to act, to run away without going back to his house for his cloak (cf Luke 17), "Son of David! Have mercy on me!" Brought to Jesus, he was questioned: "What do you want?"

It's as simple as turning to God with our problems. I don't have to wait for a special time or place: "The kingdom of God doesn't come by counting the days on the calendar. Nor when someone says, 'Look here!' or 'There it is!' And why? Because God's kingdom is already among you." (Luke 17)

I want to experience "everyone in the street joined in, shouting Praise to God." It makes me cry to think of it!

2005-01-18T10:40:00.000-08:00

Thanks to David Fedor for poking me about abandoning my blog. I'm trying to make up for my inconsistency with sheer volume. Don't worry, I won't write this much on a regular basis.

The Bratko's didn't do a Christmas update card-email-blog-thingee this year (again). We're working on a short one just because we've moved twice since our last one and we're losing touch with people (bad thing).

Career/Work
Big thing going on for me is a job search. I'm looking for gainful employment and the next step in the journey God is taking with me. Since I went to Argentina in November (oh, yeah, I didn't blog about that) I feel like God has been calling me to take the Kingdom with me into the marketplace more and more. So when Adoption Adventure started to become run more like a ministry and less like a business, I could tell that God was weaning me away to something else. Another big hint was that due to Russian governmental changes we would only be able to work with half the orphans that we were projecting for 2005. This cuts our revenue in half as well and means that we couldn't support the larger organization I was offering to create.

Big learning: Being open to God's direction sometimes means grieving the losses when the path curves suddenly. It's not resistance, its human. As C.S. Lewis talks about near the end of Pilgrim's Regress, there's something about how human's get attached to the particular, that we grieve when we lose something, even when God has something better waiting for us. Grieving is not a lack of faith. I found that grieving is an act of faith. I let myself grieve because I know that God is still in control. I can let go, to free up my hands to receive the next thing.
My pastor says there are 4 stages of grief: denial, anger, guilt, acceptance. I've also heard of a model which adds 'bargaining' and a couple others I can't remember. Anyway, the point is that by thinking about these phases I can accept the feelings that seem to grip me. What I'm feeling is powerful, normal, and not permanent. So I don't need to be afraid of the feelings or worry that something is wrong with me.

So now I'm ready to move on and get excited about the new things that God is bringing. A big blessing is working with a career coach: Bonnie Bell. She has helped me with my mood about looking for a job (from depressed to excited). She has helped me with my narrative about my job search (from "AIIEEEE, I need a job!" to "What gets me really excited? What's really meaningful? What has God made me to do? What can I do better than anyone else, and who will pay me for that skill?"

I'm looking at Product Management as a place I can make an offer. My background is managing a developer service organization for a platform company. I have been studying business fundamentals in a private business education program for over 5 years: especially listening to customers, designing products and services to satisfy customers and keeping costs low while making valuable offers to customers. I've been working on and leading cross-functional project teams successfully for years. These are all things central to Product Management. I love people being successful, either customers with my product or service, or employees and colleagues in their careers. I love building things that people are delighted with. I love working in teams.

If you know of an opportunity for me, please let me know. If you need a resume, let me know.

Health/Play/Sociability
We're generally healthy, Helen still experiences chronic fatigue syndrome and we're trying various treatments: massage therapy, nutritional supplements. There are all sorts of books, products, etc. and everyone has the answer. Our experience is mixed, but we're still in action to improve the situation.

Big new improvement: I've joined two friends in their exercise regimen. I need the help to stay on schedule. We run for 30 minutes, use the weight machines and do 10 minutes of Tai Chi, three times per week. We try to play racquetball once per month as well. I pulled a calf muscle and am trying to find ways to exercise that doesn't aggrevate it. Though I know its good for me, I basically just feel sore alot more now. Like I said, I need their structure and encouragement to keep going.

The kids love to read, and play video games. Annie is learning to knit and continues to amaze us with her arts and crafts. Matt loves to be active and looks forward to our weekly Park Day meeting with our homeschool group where he engages in Boffer Battles (padded pvc pipe as swords). Ethan has learned to love reading because his siblings won't play with him while they are engrossed in their books. Ethan loves making up games and constantly changes the rules, frustrating to his playmates but expressive of his creativity.

I still love to play games, especially computer games. Currently I dabble in two massively-multiplayer games: Puzzle Pirates, and EVE Online. My game design hero, Sid Meier, has released an updated Pirates!, which was a must buy and wonderfully enjoyable.

Helen has developed an IM addiction. Suffering from chronic fatigue, the pace of IM is appropriate for her energy and boredom level. She's mostly on Y!M, but you'll have to ask her for her username if you want it.

Membership/Education
I'm still in LEIP, the business education program I joined 4 years ago. We're still at the same church, and homeschool support group.

Helen and I are in an awesome book club which meets monthly. We choose books from a classics list, so most of the books are old. We have great discussions, a lot of politics, history, political science, economics. See Helen's blog on Frankenstein for a sample.

Matt is in Boy Scouts, Annie in Girl Scouts, they are both great organizations. Being in the right troop makes all the difference.

Helen and I have started a homegroup with the worship leader from our church, a proven strategy for success (Hi Jon!). We've just started, but our values so far are: relationships, encouraging God's gifts in each other, and great snacks. We had a pot luck dinner last Wednesday with 10 adults and 10 kids. The place was chaotic and I loved it!

Miscellany
What I'm listening to right now: "Jesus Freak", dc Talk
What I've been reading:

Montesquieu, "The Spirit of Laws" (he invented the separation of powers which were used in the US Constitution)
Emily Rodda, "Deltora Quest: The Forest of Silence" (checking it out for my kids: approved)
Rutherford, "Sarum" (historical fiction of the entire history of Salisbury, England)
Fernando Flores, various private publications on philosophy and business

2004-09-02T10:47:00.000-07:00

What God Delights In or How to Please God

My family has started a new (for us) spiritual discipline. We use "Life Journal", and read a passage of scripture and then journal about it. (Radical concept!) It follows the SOAP model: Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer. I like the form of it, its classic, and easy. There is a kids version which parallels the adult version with less reading, so the whole family is literally on the same page.

Maybe because it's a special journal designed just for this form that makes it work for me. Or maybe because I pray that the Holy Spirit would teach me something, and then journal out of faith. There's an expectation that there will be something to learn.

My blog was getting jealous of my journal. This post is about todays revelation:

Ezekiel 18:23 (Mess) "Do you think I take pleasure in the death of wicked men and women? Isn't it my pleasure that they turn around, no longer living wrong, but living right--really living?"

When I see God as an angry God, I completely miss this. He is the father of the Prodigal Son. I am deceived when my shame keeps me from repentence.

I must see Father as one waiting for my return with great anticipation; no false humility or modesty, no false shame (which hides my pride). Run NOW back to the Father. If I want to please Him: repent. He delights in repentence!
Give God pleasure today: Repent!

Which works for you:
A: Lord, show me my sins so that I can feel really bad about them.
or
B: Lord, show me my sins that I might please you in my repentence.

Oo, oo, I know, pick me, pick meeeeeee!

2004-08-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

What the Bleep Do We Know!

I saw this movie the other day. I wish I had read the web site first. My friend billed it as a philosophical and scientific exploration. I love those. I was sucked in by the NOVA-style talking head format with imaginative film elements in between. (I love those NOVA shows!)

It turned out to be a new-age pseudo-science guru lesson. I felt slimed when I came out. I'm afraid I dumped on my friend who invited me.

Things you might want to know:

They start with solid science and then leap into what I'll call "alternative science" for lack of a better term, with no acknowledgement that the standards for "proof" have changed radically. There is no peer review on the "science" which takes them from quantum physics to sprituality.
The experts they interview hold forth both within and outside of their area of expertise. Their credentials are not revealed until the end of the movie, so you don't know how to make an assessment of what they are saying.
One of the experts is a 35,000 year old spirit named Ramtha being channeled by the blond woman. He/She holds forth on quantum physics, molecular biology, neurobiology, and sprirituality. Even at the end of the movie, they don't say that Ramtha is being channelled. They just show the channeler and subtitle her Ramtha, and say shes some kind of guru. You can say what you like, but by the end of the film, when she came on the screen I was averting my eyes and praying in tongues under my breath. And this was before I knew anything about her. That was one weird experience.

I felt it was my duty to warn someone about this movie. Even before I knew about "Ramtha", I was feeling like there was something really cultic. There was definately a "reality distortion field" around that movie.

*whew*
Thanks for listening.

2004-08-20T15:26:00.000-07:00

Choosing Your Problems

(Now that I'm laid off, expect more blogging!)
Oswald Chambers is at me again about obedience. And God is chiming right in. Today I was prompted by the Spirit with this insight:

You don't want the problems that come from disobeying God.
You want the problems that come from obeying God.
The first is called discipline.
The second, persecution.

I was struck that there will always be problems. But they aren't always bad.
So which problems do you want?

2004-08-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

Laid Off

Yep, I join the ranks of the underemployed. PalmSource laid me off yesterday, and its a good thing. I was hoping I would be actually. No, really, I did. I had scaled back to 3 days a week for about 5 months so far, and I knew I couldn't stay at PalmSource long. I will spare you the long boring career planning post. So this is a great opportunity, and still it was a very uncomfortable experience.

Everyone expects a layoff to be terrible news, and it throws me into that mood to. When my manager was explaining to me that I was being laid off, which I had known for a while, I suddenly felt like I should be in shock or start crying or something. I guess he was still having a hard time with it. I hope the wine I gave him as a parting gift helped.

Anyway, people would come into my office as I packed and ask me if I was OK. And I was OK, until the fifth or sixth person did that. Then I was thinking, "Maybe I should be a little "not OK" to fit in better?" And wheeling my cart full of office accumulation over the nearly 6 years I was there turned out to be a humbling experience. It was during the noon hour, and the most direct path was through the cafeteria. I found I couldn't do it. So I slipped out the back door and went around the building. I thought I had my story straight with myself. I was hoping I'd be laid off, but it still felt like ashes, like failure.

I keep saying goodbye to people, habits, things. When I arrived home I turned off the car and said, "That's the last time I will commute home from PalmSource." It was (and is) very weird.

I trust that God is in this. He's already showing me new ways of being. I have been in a big rut for a long while and now I'm out. I'm so relieved.

I'm going to chill a while (still working on Adoption Adventure 2 days a week). Then I'm going to work on more offers around adoption services. I'm hoping to be my own boss from now on.

I had an excellent laptop from work. I miss it. And no more latest-greatest Palm stuff anymore. *sniff*
But mostly I will miss the people, the everyday relationships that I won't have anymore. Big changes.

2004-08-17T15:24:00.000-07:00

RSS/Atom feed

Katherine told me to put this in my blog. I guess it's to help people who use some special kind of blog reader or something.
What-ever.

http://jorbratko.blogspot.com/atom.xml

2004-08-17T15:11:00.000-07:00

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Been shop'n?
No! Been shop'n.
What'cha get?
A piston engine!

Actually, I got a 19" monitor and a b-e-a-utiful L-shaped desk for my office. It looks like I'm going to be spending more time there and the door blank resting across two 2-drawer filing cabinets just wasn't working for me anymore. My office looks--dare I say--'professional'?

Of course, now I need a new computer to go on my fine new desk. (Just kidding, honey.)

Craigslist.org is a wonderful place. I have had great experiences. I love the minimalist web experience. It's so immediate. The people have been great, and the deals have been wonderful. I'm not going to start a eBay business picking stuff off craigslist and selling it on eBay, there just isn't a sustainable volume (I did think about it).

The russian adoption services business is in full swing. We're reconstituting as a non-profit and I've finally gotten the paperwork to open a bank account. I'm learning so much. My partner and I are definately a match made in heaven. He is great at doing whatever it takes to get the job done, and I have an ability to organize and operationalize so that its not a heroic effort every time. I can deal with the administrivia, its like a game to me; but he has no patience for it. I love to find ways for other people to do the work (ok, that can be a bad thing, too); and he dives in and does it himself too often.

It's easy to take that sort of thing for granted. For instance, before I was married, I suffered over if/when/who/how I was going to get married. I suffered with loneliness, poor housekeeping, irresponsibility, instability. Getting married gave me a good reason to work through all that, and now 15 years later (15 years!?!?) Helen and I have worked through so much of that stuff that I get indignant when something breaks down. It helps to remind myself that I pined for relief for many years, and then I can better appreciate the peace and joy I have in those areas.

We don't observe our progress automatically, its a reflective exercise. Maturana says that humans don't experience learning, we only experience the results of learning. I couldn't touch type, then I could. But I didn't experience the learning. I don't feel any different. Same thing with anything that you learn. In personal growth, you experience the lack of suffering when you work through something for a while. But after a while that goes away, and the new equilibrium is reached and feels normal. I think this is what powers the experience of "When you solve your worst problem, you just give all your problems a promotion."

Believe it or not, this turns me back to God. Humans are not equipped to stay satisfied. Not for long anyway. We adjust to the new situation and it becomes normal. Thank God there is always more to be satisfied in Him. He is so deep, so mysterious, so holy; that there is always more. As C.S. Lewis pictured in The Final Battle (Chronicles of Narnia), the heavenly life is a constant journey "upward and inward" infinitely deeper and higher into God. And no matter how fast you journey, how high and deep you go, there's aways more! His infinity is the only thing that will satisfy the unsatiable appetites of humans. We were made for this! No wonder we are powerfully led astray by filling our infinite appetites with finiteness.

You know, this desk's keyboard tray isn't quite big enough....
And there's no place to clamp my light so it swivels over to the recliner as well...
Hey, I think I saw a hutch for my desk on craigslist!

2004-08-03T12:35:00.000-07:00

Random bits and pieces...

Ahh, WYSIWYG blogging!

I love this! I may have 20+ years in computing, but I've never learned HTML. I've been a programmer and manager, so formatting hasn't been that important to me.

Thank you Blogger!
---
"I wish I was the person my blog thinks I am." - Jor Bratko
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My wife just started a blog.
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[rant on] [Helen can skip this, she heard it all on the way home.]
I just saw Spiderman 2 and I really didn't like it. Can't fault the action sequences, but the rest of the movie was painfully bad.

I'm supposed to care about characters that are 2D? Most of the relationships between the characters was "told", not "shown". These people live lonely, unloving lives.
I kept thinking, "These people are acting."
The pseudo-science offended me. The safety practices for an experimental fusion reactor is to have the researcher stand next to it 24/7 to push the bubbles back into place with robotic arms that have to be attached to his body? Might work in a comic book, for a character that is already a mad scientist. Not the wise and good Dr. from the movie. And the realism implied by a live-action movie raises the bar for willing suspension of disbelief, IMHO. I require better explanations. You spend 10's of millions of dollars on the movie, and that was the best excuse you could come up with?
The editing wasn't crisp enough. There was lots of long bad dialog which should have been cut. E.g. Aunt May says, "Well that's water over the dam, or under the bridge, or whatever you want to call it." What was that all about? That should have ended up on the editing room floor. And the painfully long "I love you but I can't say" scenes where everyone practices getting their eyes to water for the camera without actually crying were just too long. Shorter movie, more action. That's the editing required for this movie both script editing and film editing. Wouldn't it be cool if there were a director's cut of this that was significantly shorter than the theater version.

[rant off]
Spiderman 2 really helps me appreciate the skill of people who make good movies.
---
New record for the band at church this week: 6 singers, 3 acoustic guitars, 1 lead keys/guitarist, keys, bass, drums. They rocked the house, but talk about yer "wall of sound".
[rant off] [and this time I mean it]
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I went to Home Depot today at around 9am with my son. It finally registered to me that all the mexican men standing around at the end of the aisles in the parking lot were day laborers waiting for work. Call me naive. I knew that people lived like that other places, I just didn't realize it was happening 1/2 mile from my house. Brings home the parable Jesus told about day laborers. I can't imagine what its like not knowing where you are going to work day-to-day, waiting to see if someone hires you for a day or two. More reflection required.
---
The orphans arrive today.
I work in the role of a CFO for a very small adoption services non-profit. We do programs periodically which bring orphans from Russia to stay with families in the US. Most of the families are considering adoption, and our program makes it easier to adopt as well as lets the families get to know the children before they make any commitment. The kids are ages 6-11 generally. There are 33 orphans, and 5 adult escorts who will be here for 3 weeks. I don't interact with the orphans or families much, but I feel very privileged to play an essential role in finding their forever families.
If you feel led, please pray that all the children will be placed in a family that God provides for them.
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Love this WYSIWYG!

2004-07-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

Hot Buttons

Recently, I’ve read a couple harangues about some serious spiritual problems facing the American Christian. I always get tweaked by these. It’s preaching that I haven’t learned to appreciate yet. I feel like someone is stuffing their interpretation down my throat, and if I don’t agree, and become fully committed to the eradication of whatever evil is being preached against, then I must not be truly committed to the cause of Christ. Or I must be pitied as one of the deceived. Or if you’re hyper-Calvinist enough, this just goes to show you that I’m not really saved (wink, wink, nudge, nudge).

C.S. Lewis, in the Screwtape Letters claimed that Satan tries to convince us to be most on guard against dangers which we are least likely to fall into and lull us into complacency about the trap he sets at our doorstep. I won’t mention specific issues that are whirling around in our periodicals, pulpits, and personal conversations. Some of them are personal trials for some Christians, some are merely media hype, some are mostly conversations within the Christian sub-culture, or maybe just the post-modern Christian sub-culture. I don’t mean to invalidate any of these. I won’t try to press anyone’s hot buttons.

But I will take the other part of C.S. Lewis’s advice: what are we not talking about? What is Satan laying at our feet that we no longer notice, even when we fall into it? And it’s not some vague or subtle nuance of theology. And America isn’t just walking on the edge of it, we’re full bore gripped by it. Or maybe it’s just me. You decide. And feel free to let me know what you think.

Here’s my nomination for the point at which Satan has America by the throat: the 10th commandment, “thou shalt not covet”.

I got you coming and going, of course. If you disagree, I’ll just shout, “See, I told you we are desensitized to it!” And if you agree, well, then you agree. But all such tricks aside, the consumerist, materialist, “keep-up-with-the-Jones” American Dream flies in the face of God’s command not to want what your neighbor has, to not find your peace in what you own. Even Jesus speaks commentary on this in the sermon on the mount. “Don’t worry about all these things”, he says.

I feel like I’m drowning in this all the time. Before I started blogging tonite, I was surfing for a new video card for my PC. For $40, I can get a sweet little ATI Radeon 9200SE with 128M of VRAM. That was my happy thought for the evening, is that so wrong?

Yes, according to Moses and Jesus it is wrong. As I understand it, my God is a jealous God, suffering nothing to compete with Him for my heart. Whew, I don’t feel it. It is not intuitively obvious to me when I’m putting things before God. That’s when I become convinced that this is what Satan is hiding in plain sight.

I don’t have any answers, except that we need His help, and if we ask, He’ll give it.
God, help us!

2004-07-28T23:52:00.000-07:00

Time Warp for Ozzie

I changed the date of this post to yesterday. I'm not just trying to confuse you. I meant to blog about this, but I wasn't ready yet, and I already have a blog for today... I mean tomorrow... never mind.

Oswald Chambers so totally RAWKS, DUDE!

The July 28th entry in My Utmost for His Highest is the one my good friend David Avilla credits with compelling him to use that classic as an everyday devotional tool. I'm a little more spotty with it, but I totally agree with him about the July 28th entry.

Process vs. Product

Mr. Chambers claims that God is process oriented. Any goal in our lives is a means to an end for God. He's trying to provoke a relationship. God is looking for the dependence, the trust, the faith of greater worth than gold.

I've been gripping the wrong end of this. Over the past 5 years I've become much more goal-oriented. And personally, it's been a big disappointment. These goals have been, and are, very important to me. My mood swings up and down with my ungrounded assessments of my future possibilities around these goals. This is like putting my hope in things (cf. tommorrow's entry). Only now its situations, or circumstances.

There's no doubt that producing a good education for my children is important. There's no doubt that helping more Russian orphans find homes in the US is a good thing. BUT, if my peace, my joy depends on this, then I'm looking away from my best lover, most faithful friend. I'm seeking the gift, not the Giver.

Who wants to be loved because of what you give someone, or what you make possible in their life. Wouldn't you rather be loved for who you are? I think God feels that way too. I love the line in Bruce Almighty:

Bruce: How do you make someone love you without messing with free will?

God: Welcome to my world.

My answer to Bruce's question is the answer to most questions about people: you love them. It's acting on that answer that's the challenge.

Anyway, read what Oswald Chambers said.

2004-07-12T23:02:00.000-07:00

Christ Within ME the hope of glory!

I visited the Warehouse church in Sacremento for a family event. I was disoriented by the message from the pulpit at first. He was saying some great things, but a lot of the appeal was emotional, reactionary, folksy and simple-minded to me. Some of his statements weren't supportable. This was very jarring until I realized that I was hearing preaching, honest to goodness preaching! I had been confused because I have never gone to a church where they didn't teach. Listening to teaching and listening to preaching are very different activities. Once I realized that he wasn't trying to impart a good mental model, or feed my mind with ordered, logical reasoning, or even train my mind; it became much easier, enjoyable and encouraging. When I realized he was trying to hearten me, encourage me, motivate me to follow hard after God, I could listen with gusto.

I was encouraged to think of my wants, wishes desires... even my ambition, my vision, my plans... all of it as submitted to Christ. Not asking "what would Jesus do?" (which isn't a bad question); but "What would Jesus have ME do?"

"I have been crucified with Christ; and it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself up for me." Gal 2:20 NASB

That preacher made me remember that I'm not living my life anymore. I'm living Jesus's life. I'm living the life of Christ expressed through me. So when I'm formulating my ambition for the coming years, I don't ask myself, "What kind of life do I want to live? Where do I want to end up? What kind of career, family, community, church do I want to produce in my life?" Instead I need to ask, "What kind of life does Christ in Me want to live? Where does Christ in Me want to end up? What kind of career, family, community, church does Christ in Me want to produce in my life?"

I know it might not sound that profound in a blog like this, but Christ in Me was cheering the preacher on last Sunday. 'Cause I actually think it will be a better life to live. It's Christ in Me the hope of glory!

2004-07-06T23:18:00.000-07:00

Let go, let God

Yeah, it's a trite expression.

trite (adj.)
1. Lacking power to evoke interest through overuse or repetition; hackneyed.
2. Archaic. Frayed or worn out by use.
[Latin tritus, from past participle of terere, to wear out. See ter-1 in Indo-European Roots.]

Or maybe its a "classic" expression for you.

clas·sic (adj.)
1.
a. Belonging to the highest rank or class.
b. Serving as the established model or standard: a classic example of colonial architecture.
c. Having lasting significance or worth; enduring. ...

In any case, today I have new appreciation for it. Lately, I've been a little lost. And though my efforts seem to be fruitless, I have cried out to God and He is hearing my prayers. My mood is up, and the horizons are opening before me.

And the key has been for me to "let go", to surrender my insistence on a certain way for things to happen. I'm in a new business facilitating the adoption of Russian orphans. The basic organization of the enterprise continues to change: for profit, not for profit, big board of directors, minimal board of directors, salaries, piecework compensation, I'm in, I'm out, we need more orphans, we need more families, we need more staff, we need more volunteers, we're local, we're nationwide.... I tolerate ambiguity pretty well, but after a while it gets frustrating. Now the circumstances haven't changed much, still chaotic, but my mood is much better. I'm not getting all stressed about it, I'm unwrapping the gift to see what God has for me.

My insistence upon my way is not what makes me who I am. As Trinity said, "It means that the Matrix cannot tell you who you are." As I surrender my way, I become more free to express those things which are closer to the core of who I am: what do I care about, what is a good life, what is right and wrong, what are virtues, what are vices, what do I believe and why do I believe it, what is my contribution to others. As I act consistently with these core commitments, no matter the situation, I am free.

"It is for freedom He set us free."

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes. -Matthew 6:34 (The Message)

2004-07-02T22:55:00.000-07:00

I don't know

Some of our oldest friends visited us yesterday and today. They live in another state and they come by once a year to visit. We didn't have much time together so as soon as the kids were down we got down to
brass tacks: "What is your cutting edge right now?" This was Helen's question, and I'm glad she asked it.

When it got to my turn, I had to say, "I'm a little lost right now." I'm running sound for my church, but not really part of any leadership. I'm starting a new business with a partner in facilitating international adoptions from Russia, which is going well (we placed 15 out of 17 orphans who participated in our latest program. Yay, God!), but its going to be a non-profit and I have been feeling like God has called me to create for-profit businesses which "do good". I call it "entrepenurial ministry". What is with me? I should be really happy about making this kind of difference for these kids.

I guess I'm not sure where this is going, and I'm not practicing trusting in God for my future. I'm expecting more, something bigger. I'm frustrated with some of the limitations of the current business, and I'm not meshing well with the vision that my church has.

So my friends encouraged me about being in the "I don't know" of my situation, and trusting in God for the result. Basic stuff, but really applicable. I didn't feel a lot better, but the edge of despair was taken off it it. As I think of it, there are plenty of in between times when I don't know what God's up to, and the challenge is to let it be AND trust in God. God's help comes "in due time". I don't have to demand the answers up front. I just remember how good He is to me, and it becomes easier to trust him and rest in that.

I've had several teachers mention celebrating the "not yet" of life. That's the pilgrimage. John Wimber said that this life is the only time we'll be able to have faith, because in Heaven we'll know. There is something special about being a little lost, being in the "I don't know". It is the chaos before order, discomfort of the current situation which urges us beyond our complacency. It is out of this that action comes. The moment is pregnant with possibilities. Ooo, I got myself a little bit excited to see what God has for me next.

"I don't know!"

2004-06-29T23:26:00.000-07:00

Objectivism vs. Subjectivism

"B" (see below) and I are back in a constructive dialog. It's a pleasure to interact with someone with her openness, honesty and humility.

The following was generated from our renewed dialog. It was some decent writing so I thought I'd use it for the blog:

I don’t see the “facts” of a situation as being the most important part. I think the narratives that people are living inside of are more consequential. Two different individuals might attest to the same set of “facts”, and yet the action they take because of those facts could be radically different based on the narrative of care (the concerns that they are taking care of and the strategy for taking care of them) is different. That’s why I’m more interested in the person’s story about a situation: what they say they are doing and why; and not so much on the facts of the situation.

Of course, there are domains of action in which I’d much rather everyone was focused on the “facts”: my doctor, my accountant, the engineer who built the bridge I’m driving on, my investment manager. Objectivism has proven very powerful and I don’t want to take away one jot from that.

To me, it’s like Newton and Einstein. Most of the time we use Newton for engineering, science, etc. But without Einstein and quantum mechanics we wouldn’t have atomic power, transistors, etc. Newton is like the objective framework. It is really powerful in all sorts of ways. It gets the job done. But there are problems that aren’t solvable using an objective framework. I think that these problems are important. These are issues around “meaning”, “relevance” and “value”. Meaning, relevance and value don’t exist in an objective world. They are entirely subjective. Anyone who talks about them is using a subjective framework. These are obvious examples, there are others which aren’t as obvious, yet if we are unaware of how our interpretation is the experience of truth for humans (subjective framework) there are terrible consequences: Right justifies Might.

Would you say more oppression has come about because the oppressors didn’t believe the universe could be directly known, so any behavior could be justified? Or rather that oppressors have thought their ideas were right and true, which authorized them to force the consequences of those ideas on others?

(And there are always those who don’t care about the consequences of their actions on others, whether they think objectively or subjectively.)

I believe in a God who does experience truth (or maybe it would be more meaningful to say He generates it). And I believe that He can impart that knowledge to me, but it is a supernatural activity that interacts with my biological capacity to interpret. As soon as He lifts His hand from me, I have to make interpretations based on memory, culture, language, and traditions of thinking made possible by the unimaginably complex biological structures I am, and my history of interactions since conception. I guess He could keep me in a state of constant supernatural apprehension of Truth. I just haven’t observed that as happening in anyone’s life.

I need to get over this, but it makes me crazy when someone says, “The Bible says...”. Unless they are quoting directly, I get the nasty urge to reply, “Your Bible talks to you?!?”. And even if it did, they’d still be the ones making the interpretation of what the spoken words meant.

In my view the best-selling book in the world isn’t a scientific text with formulas for deriving truth, its about meaning, relevance and values. It is a book of stories, not facts. But people get confused and try to make it into a source of Truth, oblivious to the layers of interpretation of culture, tradition, and language. It almost makes me want to become orthodox. At least orthodoxy recognizes and acknowledges the tradition of interpretation. Protestants seem so allergic to traditions of interpretation that they forget that they have their own. It becomes unobserved, and therefore we can’t act to anticipate, or respond to breakdowns in that domain.

But that’s just my current interpretation!

2004-06-26T23:41:00.000-07:00

Good day!

We had a wonderful couple of days. We had family visit, including a toddler. I had forgot how small we start out. I had just enough time for a nap, and an old friend came to visit with her kids. It was great to see them again, and our kids got to catch up too.

Had a great talk with Helen about B (see below). I still haven't responded to her emailed apology. I need more love. +++Help me to love+++

Helen and I planned to have a monthly financial planning meeting. We need help with our mood around finances. We're not in any trouble there, but we just hate the discipline and the confrontation with our own limitations. As the Shadrach song says, "I'm not in love with money, we're just really good friends."

Anyway, to create a better mood, we promised to reward ourselves with frozen yogurt if we had completed our duties. Helen's is an account of the household spending, and mine is to reconcile the checkbook and do a budget report for the month, as well as a report on the current state of our savings plans, and file all the paid bills and statements. I've got a lot of catchup to do. I hadn't done filing (or reconciling) for over a year. I finished the filing this afternoon, but I need to reconcile the bank statements still. I use Quicken 2002 for Mac. I think it will be better to just start at the beginning of this year with a new set of books (files). My bank lets me download all the checks/transactions. I just have to fill in the payees to complete the register and reconcile. If I don't do it by tomorrow at 9pm, I don't get yogurt.

Sadly enough, I'm more motivated by the yogurt than I am about being responsible for my families future. Well, here's hoping that the yogurt does the trick. I feel like the guy in Memento when he deliberately programmed himself to go after someone not based on the "truth" but because he knew it would work to produce a future he wanted, even if he couldn't remember that he wanted it when he succeeded. That is a disturbing thought, then Memento is a disturbing movie.

2004-06-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

Being Offended

Last night I went to our monthly book club meeting, where we usually have lively conversation. We enjoy ourselves, but we also are looking for new ways of thinking, observing our world, and ways to act which produce better situations than our current practices. That's my story anyway, and I've observed others asking the same questions during our discussions. We've read Hobbes "2nd Treatise on Government" and "Animal Farm", as well as "Jane Eyre", "The Screwtape Letters", and Sun Tzu's "Art of War". There's a lot of political discussion, but not in a wonky or partisan way. It's about the right size, I'd say, about 8 people. Several of them are previously known friends and a couple we're getting to know through the book club.

I have been known to exercise myself in conversation. I can get very passionate about ideas. There's another person in the book club, let's call her "B", who has similar characteristics. We have been known to monopolize the conversation in our frequent skirmishes. It's not like we always disagree, that would lead me to think that there was something personal going on. But some fundamental assumptions are different (well, I call them fundamental assumptions, she calls them axioms which are self-evident: existence, consciousness).

What I really love about these skirmishes is that she has new, more rigorous thinking than I have hitherto heard in these matters. Her passionate adherence to these principles provokes really hard looks at my own views. I find it very satisfying and stimulating. I revel in the encounter.

But... she interrupts me when I'm talking. Completely cuts me off. I hate that.

I check to see if I'm at fault: talking to long, monopolizing the conversation, going on about something no one else is interested in. I check to see if I'm doing the same thing: interrupting. No, I'd say its unprovoked.

I don't raise the issue in the group. I'm offended, put a pained expression on my face, and complain to my wife all the way home.

This is not a good place to be. I'm not a victim of this person. I could have said something, requested to finish. But it wrecks the mood of the party, it makes me look more like a jerk. It's easier to let B take the wrap. Easier to be offended and righteous. But that's kind of slimy to me. I'm listening to the wrong whisperer somehow.

I don't think the answer is either confrontation or victimhood. I think that my future closes down as soon as I take offense. What has she "done" to me anyway? My emotions storm around "not being respected", hmmm. I hold emotion as "a short term, triggered, ungrounded assessment of my future possibilities". So being disrespected is about a future where my conversation isn't valued, my thinking is not considered or accepted, I'm excluded. This is a bad future, but its not going to happen just because B cuts me off.

Ah, I have it, the most important thing I can't do as soon as I become offended is love B. Ths is why becoming offended is not ok for me. When I become offended I am cut off from fellowship with her, I become self-centered, isolated, barren.

So, I repent, I will abandon my offense to God. I will unclench mySelf and listen to B, even if she interrupts me; because I love her.

Postscript: As soon as I got home, B apologized via email.

(Jon, I turned on atom whosiwhatsit for you)

2004-06-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

"It's not about me" - Episode 234

I've found myself several times recently in situations where I have made a commitment and I am unable to keep it. As much as it is uncomfortable, my "feeling bad" about it doesn't really do anyone any good. I suppose its part of a negative feedback loop to change my behavior. But I've experienced too much emotional short-circuiting of "feeling bad", leading to no-action. Sometimes its a substitute for repentence.

"If I just feel bad enough, then I know that I'm a good person anyway and I don't have to actually do the hard work of changing my thinking/behavior."

My apologies will give clues to my story about the situation:

"I'm really sorry, please forgive me." - sounds nice, but its mostly about me. You're the one I've hurt, shouldn't an apology be about you?

How about:

"I realize that I've hurt you, or cost you. I didn't intend to do that, and here's what I'm going to do to make it up to you." or "here's what I'm going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again."

That's the kind of apology that impresses me. I want to keep being around people who take that kind of responsibility for their mistakes.

Now what about repentence. God freely forgives us, AND He wants us to change our ways. I don't think there is much emphasis in the Bible about how we "feel" about our sins. Jesus gets right to it: Repent! (also translated "Change Your Ways!")

There is the "grieve, mourn and wail" passages, but I don't read them as about particular sins, just our wretched condition in general.

Jesus talked about action-based apologies and repentance. That's the standard I'm going to hold, too.

2004-06-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

"For humans, Mood is everything: the rest is narrative."

My mood (and I think I'm not alone here) is connected to what I feel my future is going to be like. It is usually unexamined, non-intentional. And it has HUGE impact on my being in every moment of now. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, and the blank blogger box is not at all intimidating. Somedays I drive in to work feeling that nothing will keep me from my appointed productivity. Other days, I'm barely able to keep my attention on basic freeway survival. This is when I'm most vulnerable to the voices of negativity, the old hauntings of my youth, my own self-criticism.

Try this for a definition for Pride: when the only assessment that matters is my own.

I love this because it handles both arrogant pride and self-deprecating pride. The people who insist that they are terrible people are just as fixated on themselves and what they think as the straightforwardly hubristic narcissists. And when I'm proud, I don't feel proud. But I'm not asking about what my wife thinks, or my friends, or my boss, partner or customers. Pride talks about who I say I am. So what's the opposite? Holding as valid the assessments of others about me, including God. So I'm going to celebrate my existense as a social being! That means that my identity is not some mysterious black box I'm born with, some treasure I must unearth from deep within me. It means that my identity emerges in a social domain, with other people who I interact with. I am not good, bad, tall or thin (well, first because these are not "qualities", they are interpretations, and there must be an interpreter. Who would that be?) And I'm not even going to cheat and invoke God as the cosmic interpreter who underwrites "reality". Every human has his or her interpretations, and assessments. My identity exists within those conversations. I think God has His interpretations, and because He's God, I'm preeminantly concerned with His interpretations. But I'm not going to fall into the trap of thinking that God must have a certain assessment or interpretation just because it's so patently obvious to me.

Certainty is not a proof of truth. We had our pastor and his wife (their words for their social identities) over for dinner and had a great conversation. They grew up in a society where the "blacks" were obviously inferior. It wasn't even a question. As they grew up, the civil rights movement happened and suddenly what was obvious wasn't so obvious anymore. We goggle at the bigotry of our ancestors, and don't realize how gripped we are today in our own bigotry. Our children, no doubt, will be kind enough to inform us of it during their teenage years.

Culture and tradition, passed on to us in language, informs our interpretations of the world. We cannot escape it. Not without ceasing to be ourselves anyway. The new thinking that we "invent" was only made possible throught the thoughts, words, interpretations, and thinking that we have been exposed to as our minds are developing. As I read in "The Universe Next Door" last night. "We take in knowledge, not as a bottle takes in water, but as we take in food. We become it." And it becomes us. So, to bring this round full circle, "You are what you eat" including the conversations you eat, the assessments you produce in others of your social identity, the assessments you make of others, the mood you're in, the mood of those around you.

I really liked our pastor and his wife. They were great people to talk about, with great moods and great stories about life. It was a privilege to be with them, and I'm celebrating that too.

2004-06-09T02:00:00.000-07:00

Bah. Stayed up too late again. Sleep now, blog later.
zzzzzz

2004-06-07T22:17:00.000-07:00

I don't feel like blogging. But I don't get through life doing what I feel like doing. In fact, I have more breakdowns doing what I feel like doing than if I do what I know will produce the results I'm looking for.

Tonite I feel like the guy in the fairy tale who has the magic whatever that he only needs to rub it, and he'll get help. But he never thinks to rub it right away when he gets in trouble. He always gets pretty deep into trouble, then suddenly he remembers and rubs the things or says the magic words and then the conflict gets resolved, and they all live happily ever after.

My life is like that about prayer. Here I'm given access to the throneroom of God, and I don't think to pray first. I wait until I'm in big trouble, and then I ask for help. It's emotional, psychological or relational trouble. I'm not being kidnapped, or attacked by a monster or anything. It's dramatic like a Jane Austen novel is dramatic, not like John Clancy is.

Drama works well in stories, in fact, its the only way the story works, because a good story needs drama, and there's no drama if the hero doesn't get into trouble. There is more of an adventure, the virtues of good and the vices of evil are depicted more vividly in a dramatic story.

But who wants to live that way! (Besides ACOAs, I mean)

Don't most of us prefer the happily-ever-after? Maybe its a sign of age... err... maturity. I'm not up for the adventure any more. I'd just as soon live the denouement. I remember when I was looking for the fight. Now I'd just like to make things better for people without a lot of drama.

I lot of people at work are caught up in the drama of Palm vs. Microsoft. Some are foreign legionaires from Apple, continuing the good fight in a new marketplace. I'd just like to have the business make a profit and continue to build cool stuff that makes people's lives more productive, or easier to live, or even just more enjoyable.

At church, we're pursuing transformation of San Jose. I don't have a clear definition, but its where the Kingdom of God has a major impact on the life of an entire city. There is a video going around called Transformations, and it documents places where the Kingdom of God has come in such a powerful way that nearly the entire city follows Jesus. Crime rates plummet, in some cases miraculous agricultural abundance occurs. Its amazing. If you have the chance to see this video, I highly recommend it. AND this is a very dramatic process. It doesn't happen easily. There's often persecution to endure, people die.

And then there's Jesus's life. Lot's of drama. And His call, "if you want to be my disciple, you must pick up your cross [electric chair, hangman's noose, guillotine, lethal injection] and follow me". Very dramatic. Right now it overwhelm's me.

So if you ever hear of me doing something like that, you'll know that it was God in me, not me myself, that did it.

2004-06-07T00:18:00.000-07:00

[shuffling figure hesitatingly approaches a microphone on a stand in the middle of a stage. He taps the microphone tentatively, as if he knows better, but just can't help himself]

Is this thing still on?

[squints past spotlight out into audience]

Can anyone hear me?

[single pair of hands start clapping slowly]

OK, well. I seem to have committed myself to keeping a blog again. It's been a while and I was never very consistent. They say that writers have to find their voice, and as a blogger, I still need to find mine.

Today we had some family friends visit. We really like these people and regularly get together with them. I appreciate their pace of life. I tend to be enthusiastic with lots of peaks and valleys in my feelings, passions, and actions. These folks are more consistent. They reflect on their life and act steadily to produce the future they want to live in. It's not like they control it or drive it. Rather, they are aware of the consequences of their actions and act over longer horizons of time to build their character, their friendships, their family and their business into the kind of life that they want to live in. To me, this is "grown up work": curbing your desire for gratification in the short term, for satisfaction in the long term. Proverbs is full of this kind of stuff. It reminds me of the title of that Eugene Petersen book "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction".

John Wimber used to teach pastors (and I extrapolate to other leaders as well) that God will bless whatever we put our hands to, so we should be mindful of what we put our hands to. I'm taking it personally, the genie is out of the bottle and asking for my wishes, but he does not listen to my words. He listens to my deeds. What kind of future do I want to colonize? Do I want to live in a future where my relationship with God is deepening, my character strengthening, the Kingdom expanding, my family developing strong bonds of love, my children's faith growing, my community seeing transformation? Then I need to live today putting my attention, putting my hand to those things. I'm not looking for instant answers, but a steady willing, a mindful action, inevitable accumulation. It's like compound interest: effective action leads to effective action, ineffective action leads to ineffective action. Does this sound similar to "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer"? I think they are definately related. I think its basic human design: we get better at what we practice. Ask yourself, "What did I practice today?"

In our homeschool meetings Helen and I don't ask ourselves,"Are the kids learning?", we ask, "What are the kids learning?"

Today I realized that I need to ask for help from someone in the church. I'll contact him on Tuesday. I'm not comfortable with this because I don't know him very well, but I want to live in a future where I ask people for help at the drop of the hat. Its only pride that keeps me from it, and everyone needs the opportunity to be helpful. Besides, he can say, "No." and I'm sure he'll be very nice about it if he does.

2003-09-19T03:53:00.000-07:00

I patched the template to work once again, with my Comments via SquawkBox as well as the SiteMeter. (What will I do with Jon on a different weblog site!?!)
Sorry, no time to post. I'm having some retreat-time this weekend, so I'll get something to post Monday.

2003-09-15T01:15:00.000-07:00

Something is funky with my blog. Blogger changed something so my template didn't work anymore. I think it was the SiteMeter, so I took it out. I'll figure out how to put it back later. Peace.

2003-08-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

Ok, so sometimes I’m not the sharpest knife in the drawer...

I’ve been wrestling with blogging. For me, the decision was about whether I wrote something worth reading. I got some encouraging feedback from people. But I was worried that keeping up the quality was going to become too difficult to include with my other projects. I thought of blogging as a way for me to make a difference (albeit probably small difference).

I read how for some blogging was a spiritual discipline. I thought I understood what they were saying, but for me it was about sharing the thoughts and conversations I was having in my small circle of friends.

As I stare at the blank page for a new entry, I realize that the discipline of blogging can be the discipline of reflection. So, I don’t have anything to share today? Use blogging as a call to reflection. Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” Without a space between stimulus and response we are soulless beasts. Reflection creates that space. I can be a soulless beast for far too long.

In my more overly-dramatic moments I identify with Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. There are times when I am Dr. Jeckle: thoughtful, rational, disciplined, civilized. Everything makes sense, faith is easy, I’m in touch with that the sky is blue and the sun is shining up above the storm clouds of my life (thank you for that image Anne Delke, that’ll preach). The peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, guards my heart and mind in Christ Jesus.

And the next thing I know several weeks have passed, I’ve indulged in a cycle of negatively reinforcing behavior, I’m getting desparate, and I’m crying out to God to save me from myself. What happened? Mr. Hyde woke up and carried me off? Well, I’d like to think that, but it was Dr. Jeckle who created the potion and drank it. I am not a victim, and I can use some help, like a spiritual discipline of reflection: blogging.

Woah, you mean I can blog for me. Now it gets interesting. Now it becomes worth committing to the time regularly to sit down and type something.
(Upon re-reading, this shows up to me as pretty selfish. Already I'm getting the benefits of blogging as reflection!)

So to anyone who is reading this, and all the potential people who could read this. Thanks for your (potential) participation. Your mere potential presence is helping me become more reflective, more examined, more soulful. Is helping me becoming.

2003-08-09T01:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, it’s been a long while. I think once I “fell off the horse”, I didn’t want to get back on unless I was committed to continuing to blog. I’m still not sure what my future in blogging looks like.
In any case, Helen and I had a very inspiring conversation recently that I thought might be thought provoking, and perhaps inspiring. And I’d certainly appreciate any feedback people have about this.

I’ve been reading The Divine Conspiracy, by Dallas Willard off and on. Ostensibly it’s a commentary on the Sermon on the Mount from Matthew. Somehow it put me into a different frame of mind about some things Jesus said in Matthew 25. One of the theses of the book is that Jesus was the smartest man who ever lived and so the order in which He says things in His teaching makes a difference. This idea of the order being significant helped me read Matthew 25:31-26:13, and see some connections that I hadn’t seen before.
First, Jesus teaches about how we will be assessed in the end, by God. He says it will be like separating sheep and goats. Those who will be rewarded are those whose love for Him manifested in works of charity, kindness, and mercy to “the least of these brothers of mine”. As Keith Green said that the difference was “what they did, and didn’t DO!” Jesus says that showing love to “the least of these brothers of mine” is in some way equivalent to showing love to Jesus Himself. Ok, pretty standard stuff, nothing new here. But wait. Let’s watch for connections in the following, seemingly unconnected passages. Jesus finishes His teaching session with His disciples by telling His disciples how He will be killed. Why does He do this now? How is this connected to the teaching on helping the poor? Insight #1: This teaching would be irrelevant to the disciples as long as Jesus was right there amongst them, and they could love Him every day directly.
Then suddenly we cut to an extremely short scene in the palace of the high priest and we hear how the religious leaders of Israel are plotting to kill Jesus. Contrast the instruction Jesus gives His disciples to love Him, with the religious leaders plotting to kill Him, and keep in mind that these were the legitimate religious leaders of the day. The people, the government, and the cultural tradition accepted them as leaders. Insight #2:If anyone was supposed to know about loving God, it was supposed to be them. I’m so used to thinking of the Pharisees and the Sanhedrin as the ‘bad guys’ that its hard for me to put that aside to consider what a common person of the day would have thought of them. Matthew is presenting a contrasting approach to Jesus from the mainstream religious establishment.
The next scene (Matt26:6) opens in Simon the Leper’s house. A woman pours out very expensive perfume on Jesus’s feet and wipes them with her hair. This is extravagent love lavished on Jesus. The disciples are thinking of Jesus’s previous teaching about the sheep and the goats: helping the poor=loving Jesus, and so they berate the woman for wasted the perfume which could have been used to do “good works” for the poor. Here’s the kicker: Jesus basically tells them, “You missed the point. I didn’t tell you about the sheep and the goats to get you to help the poor. I was telling you how to concretely love Me when I’m no longer with you. When I’m here, love Me. When I’m gone, love the least of these as if it were Me, because I’ll receive it that way.” Jesus spoke about the poor always being with us merely as a contrast to Himself, who would be going away in a short while. I’m sure there’s more to be had from the utterance, but I think it was primarily a contrast, not a prophecy. Insight #3: The poor always being with us means that we will always have a way of loving on Jesus. For me, this moves loving the poor out of some abstract moral conversation into an ethical conversation about loving the man Jesus. The disciples (and I) leap into the error of considering good works done to the poor as the valuable part. I now see how good works done to the poor is just a means of loving Jesus and if we lose sight of the purpose, we lose the true meaning of serving the poor. It reminds me of Mother Teresa, and how when asked why she cares for dying people in the street she talks about how she’s loving Jesus, not about how the poor need mercy, or service, or help. It’s all about loving Jesus. Jesus Himself did not seem too impressed with the plight of the poor. There were times when Jesus was moved with compassion for those lost in the world, but in Matthew 26, He seems to minimize the importance of the poor’s plight in relation to the importance of loving Him.

Well, there it is. I recommend you don't come to my blog for polished writing, or presentations. I'm just trying to get the raw ideas out there. Let me know what you think.

2003-04-22T23:41:00.000-07:00

I have been neglecting my blog! Sorry to waste so much of your time out there, checking to see if Jor posted anything. Work has been crazy. We're in the all-too-familiar, do-more-with-less, syndrome. We call it do-less-with-less, but we don't really know how to do that. We keep listening to the siren call of new opportunities. I'm an engineering manager in a high-tech, silicon valley company. And there's family, I have 3 kids, Annie, Matthew and Ethan. Ethan just go over a bout of some sort of flu. Fever, reverse peristalsis, the whole thing. He's such a great little guy, I wish I was that peaceful when I get sick. No whining or complaining.

We just became members of a church. We've been attending for over a year, and getting involved. We've been attending a small group. I help run the sound system for the worship band, and Helen is leading a book study on "The Battlefield of the Mind". It didn't occur to us that we needed to do anything else to "join" the church. One of the pastors took us aside and said, "We love having you here, and what you're doing. And we'd like you to become members." So we went to 3 meetings that explained the church's history, their philosophy of ministry and statement of faith. Then we signed a document commiting to what we thought we were doing already. Or so I thought. Actually having to "make a commitment" was a different experience than acting our of our own story of membership in a local congregation. I had to acknowledge that there was another story, the group's story, that I was committing to. I haven't reflected on it enough yet. I'll keep you posted. I observe the intentional nature of this congregation in its request that we let them lead us in membership. Rather than view their membership process as an artificial, bureacratic, rigid, modern artifact; I chose an interpretation that it was a leadership offer, designed to take care of concerns that I didn't know I had, and to take care of concerns that I didn't know the rest of the people in the congregation had.
So, this Easter we were introduced to the congregation as new members. The person who led the membership classes spoke what he had observed of our gifts and passions, briefly. Then I got the opportunity to speak how we experienced the church, and to express our gratitude to God for leading us to such a loving, down-to-earth group of people. I felt a faint echo of how I felt when I got married. That feeling was totally unexpected.
+Thanks, God, for your surprising ways!+

2003-04-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

So many things to blog about!

First, I'd like to welcome my old friend Kurt Grossman to the conversation! Kurt, I appreciate the comments, and look forward to more conversation!

Second, I'm happy to announce that the whole Modern vs. Postmodern conversation is sooooooo over. Check out Kevin Miller's article for the definitive thread-closer.

Seriously, I'm finding more and more blogs and conversations where people are in violent agreement about dropping the Modern-bashing and getting on with following Jesus. I understand the process of individuation sometimes requires a violent break with the parental narratives, but the next step is going outside the camp and exploring the new places that Jesus is leading us. Dealing with the unknown (so far) is so much harder than commenting on the already known. Let's have the courage to follow!

Tim Bednar has some awesome stuff on finding an alternative philosophical foundation to orthodox Postmodern theory (is that an oxymoron?) for those who would benefit from such.

Here is another site for my "to be explored" list:
http://www.e-church.com/

Third, I'm sick today and need to rest more, or I would blog some more.

On a personal note, my brother emailed me to tell me that my Uncle Hans in Germany is still alive and on the web! Hopefully, we'll be able to re-establish contact with him. I'm so psyched!

Also, Laurie has asked for more personal stuff in my blog so people can get to know me better. I agree. It's coming. I'd like to strike a balance between being impersonal and self-preoccupation.

2003-03-24T01:18:00.000-08:00

I'm getting more biological than I intended, but I'm finding some great resources on the web which build the background for languaging. Here's a glossary of Autpoiesis terminology

2003-03-21T16:59:00.000-08:00

Woah, stumbled across this as I Googled "languaging" Mostly just skimmed it. I'm looking forward to sitting down with it soon.
Languaging Sin.. the Compellingness Of

2003-03-20T23:37:00.000-08:00

I found the source for the paper Todd Hunter was reading on Leadership.

Center for Creative Leadership Making Common Sense: Leadership As Meaning-Making in a Community of Practice

2003-03-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

I want to make sure that I give credit to my teacher Toby Hecht (and his teacher Fernando Flores) for the philosophical and pragmatic thinking which he's taught me. The distinctions of Meaning, Relevance, and Leadership are from him. He's been teaching it as fundamental education for business professionals, but the same understanding of human cognition has helped me to think about the fundamental design of the human relationships around me, whether its family, community, church, friendships, business, or play.

For instance, Todd Hunter has been reflecting on leadership, servant leadership and following Jesus' example of serving others. I appreciate him for bringing those up for me to reflect on as well. In the discourse I've been studying, leadership is an offer of help made to people. This offer of help produces for those people an opportunity to produce a desired future situation, avoid an anticipated threat, or fulfill an obligation. In order to accept the offer of leadership, the followers must accept the leaders assessments and fulfill his requests. The "authority" of this kind of leader is not positional, its transactional. Jesus says, "Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men". He expects His followers to accept his assessments: "Blessed are the poor..." etc., and fulfill his requests, "This command I give to you: love one another." etc. He promises a future satisfactory situation: "If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed." etc.

Then leadership is an offer, not a position. It depends on the leader's ability to produce the future situation--if the followers follow. It will only show up as valuable to the followers if they believe the leader can produce the situation (with their cooperation), and if the followers value the future situation offered. "Today you will be with me in paradise." Sounds like a powerful leadership offer to me.

So who is the greatest servant? Isn't it the one who performs the greatest service? The one who helps you get into the best situations? Is this merely a humility contest? From a pragmatic view, I could care less how much someone abases themselves. It strikes me as phony, and irrelevant. Can this guy take me where I want to go? Somewhere I want to get that I can't get on my own? That's a powerful service to me. I think it was C.S. Lewis who said that humility is the ability to have the same appreciation for a beautiful painting whether or not you painted it. Leaders need to be aware of the offers God has enabled them to make, and how their offers are listened to. Leadership is not a 'thing' which you are, or are not. It's an assessment made by people who either accept or decline your leadership offers. As you fulfill on those offers and produce the situations you promise, people will trust you, and be more willing to accept further leadership offers.

People are looking for help. They are looking for narratives for their future. They are helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. An offer of a powerful narrative is a valuable offer. It's leadership. I think that is a powerful narrative for servant leadership.

In business, this model of leadership depends on the leaders competence to produce the future situation. I'm still working on how this relates to domains where we are called to rely on God's power, not our own. When Paul writes to Timothy, he gives very practical guidance. It's not all mantles and mysteries. And yet we are told to that without God, we can do nothing. I could use help on this.

2003-03-17T00:24:00.000-08:00

I’ve been reading more post-modern blogs (I think). The questions that keep coming up for me are: Does modernity have to be wrong for postmodernism to be right? And isn’t that kind of dualism a modern notion? I keep stumbling on postmodern rants against modernism. There’s still a lot of modern people who will be born again in modern churches, or as a result of these modern churches’ actions (even their programs!).

I’m interested in meaning and relevance. These only exist against a background of concerns. They will only exist in someones language. Maybe it’s mine, maybe it’s yours, maybe it’s God’s. But if there isn’t language, then it doesn’t exist for humans. Maybe it’s not spoken language, maybe it’s some internal language, maybe it’s body language.

I use the word “Meaning” as the intersection of practices and concerns. There are meaningless practices: blowing out a candle on our birthday cakes, the tooth fairy, eating turkey at Thanksgiving, telling children that Santa brings them presents. These are meaningless when no one knows for the sake of what we are doing them. We don’t know what concern, if not taken care of by this practice will produce a breakdown in our future which we want to avoid. And adding a relevant narrative (or story) is all it takes to produce meaning: blowing out the candle to represent dying to self, comforting a small child with the interpretation that losing a tooth will be rewarded instead of leaving him with the scary story that his face is falling out, using Santa to lay the groundwork for the story of a father-like figure who loves us and will produce a good future for us and who significantly works through people in our lives.

I use the word “Relevance” as an assessment of relationship to some future situation I am committed to producing. Unless it has something to do with my future, it is irrelevant to me. Knowing that my car’s brakes will work is relevant to me, knowing what composite material they are made of is not, because it doesn’t allow me to take any effective action, unless I happen to be mechanically competent enough to make use of this information.

And for Jon and Dave, who are interested in the distinction that they’ve heard me use: “languaging”, I’ll give it to you from the source. Languaging is: “Linguistic coordination of linguistic coordinations, a domain of descriptions of descriptions.” Yea, I know, it sounds like gibberish. But bear with me. This is from the book by Maturana and Varela, “The Tree of Knowledge” it is a biological study of human cognition. My understanding of this is that languaging is different than communication because fundamentally communication is evident when you can observe some coordinated action between the communicators. All sorts of animals communicate. Humans (and the One in who’s image we are made) can talk about how we are talking about something. We produce distinctions for each other (just as I am now producing the distinction “languaging” for you, gentle reader). Humans can talk about what is “modern” and what is “post-modern”, and why the distinction is meaningful.

The real juice here is that languaging is how humans produce existence for themselves and each other. It is obvious that humans do not perceive truth directly, that is, we almost always have some mediating sense which perturbs our nervous system (touch, taste, sight, smell, hearing). Then we make an interpretation, and that interpretation is always made in language (sharp, sweet, red, fragrant, melodius). This language is learned from the recurrent contact we have with the culture we grow up in. Babies do not grow up in WASP families spontaneously speaking Hebrew. We learn our language (and all that that controls) from our culture. There’s an amazing amount of power for designing meaningful practices if you can learn this. I highly recommend the book to anyone with the commitment and open-mindedness to study it. One tidbit to lure the dubious: the author is laying the groundwork for a definition of “love” based on human biology. And you won’t get it unless you read the book from the beginning. (Of course everyone just told themselves they could. And of course, you’re right. You’re special. Didn’t Barney say so?)

My point is that all of this is learned behavior, learned from the culture you are born into. You didn’t pick it. And the lesson for me is that people who grew up in a modern culture are exploring post-modernism. As such, we always have assessments of whether something is modern or not. And we always are assessing whether a current modern practice or narrative is still relevant in our current situation and the future we want to live in, or if we can invent a better one.

In inventing new practices, the knowledge of languaging opens up a power of designing our languaging, improving our skill with it, in order to produce more powerful communications, that is, more powerful coordinations of action, more powerful communities, more powerful relationships, to produce the future that we say is important to us. And ultimately to cooperate in producing the future God says is important. "Your Kingdom come, your will be done, on Earth as it is in Heaven."

+++God help us to better understand one another, to better love one another.+++

2003-03-15T19:07:00.000-08:00

I was watching a Vita-Mix demo at Costco today with my daughter. When I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Let's go." One of the demo-ers called after us, "Hey, Dad! C'mon back." I said, "No, thanks." He said, "Hey, c'mon. What kind of example are you setting?" I was instantly defensive, "What's that supposed to mean? Don't you mess with my daughter!" "Aw, I was just kidding." he soothed. I refused to be molified, "I just want to walk down this aisle without you messing with my daughter." He continued to try to get us to come back, but I just walked away. It really upset me. I was totally tweaked. It just kind of happened, I didn't have a chance to think out my responses. I'm not usually a very confrontational person in public. Cliche though it may be, I ask myself upon reflection, "What would Jesus do?" I was offended. That always raises a red flag with me. Yeah, I can justify wanting to protect my daughter from some carney trying to manipulate us, but I've always been suspicious of being offended. It smacks too much of pride and closes down the possibilities of acting in love. OTOH, maybe he needed someone to give him some straight feedback on manipulating customers. Or should I have 'turned the other cheek'?

2003-03-14T16:15:00.000-08:00

For the last 4 years I have been reflecting on how as humans we experience everything through language. Our self-identity, our interpretation of the "reality" around us, all exists for us in our language. Without language and languaging, we aren't human. "In the beginning was the Word..." I've been observing that unless we are languaging something, it doesn't exist for us. Celebration is to bring into existence through language, purposefully. For me, this distinction of 'celebrating' has become a powerful idea. I can celebrate communion-"do this in remembrance of me". Or I can celebrate someone's birthday. During homegroup the other night, we celebrated a woman's birthday. After we sang the song, and she blew out the candle, we started our time of worship. It occurred to me how the practice of blowing out the candle had no meaning for me. And just then it seemed that God showed me how it could symbolize our self-death. That we could blow out the candle on our birthday cake as a way of saying with John the Baptist, "He must increase, I must decrease." or with Paul, "I have been crucified with Christ, and it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me."

And unless that's our story about it, or we have another story about it (and stories always exist in language), it doesn't mean anything.

2003-03-12T03:00:00.000-08:00

And now to add Squawkbox commenting, also inspired by Jon Reid.
While I'm at it, I'll incorporate his "other blog's" and "other sites" sections as well.
Thanks for leading Jon!

2003-03-12T02:37:00.000-08:00

Talk about self referential! I'm testing the Blog This! shortcut. Also, from the time of the post, you can also tell that I'm having trouble sleeping tonight. Reading Jon's and Todd's blog's and thinking about the contribution I might make, the ante of getting into the conversation and opening this whole new space of possibilities has gotten my mind on overdrive.

2003-03-11T22:47:00.000-08:00

Jon Reid sent me a link to his blog and inspired me to get in the conversation. Thanks, Jon for bringing me into the latest communitytechnology!

I'm a total newbie to weblogs, and I've already lost 60 minutes of work when I tried to post my first entry and lost it to a VBasic error. I'll be less ambitious this time.