"It's not about me" - Episode 234

I've found myself several times recently in situations where I have made a commitment and I am unable to keep it. As much as it is uncomfortable, my "feeling bad" about it doesn't really do anyone any good. I suppose its part of a negative feedback loop to change my behavior. But I've experienced too much emotional short-circuiting of "feeling bad", leading to no-action. Sometimes its a substitute for repentence.

"If I just feel bad enough, then I know that I'm a good person anyway and I don't have to actually do the hard work of changing my thinking/behavior."

My apologies will give clues to my story about the situation:

"I'm really sorry, please forgive me." - sounds nice, but its mostly about me. You're the one I've hurt, shouldn't an apology be about you?

How about:

"I realize that I've hurt you, or cost you. I didn't intend to do that, and here's what I'm going to do to make it up to you." or "here's what I'm going to do to make sure it doesn't happen again."

That's the kind of apology that impresses me. I want to keep being around people who take that kind of responsibility for their mistakes.

Now what about repentence. God freely forgives us, AND He wants us to change our ways. I don't think there is much emphasis in the Bible about how we "feel" about our sins. Jesus gets right to it: Repent! (also translated "Change Your Ways!")

There is the "grieve, mourn and wail" passages, but I don't read them as about particular sins, just our wretched condition in general.

Jesus talked about action-based apologies and repentance. That's the standard I'm going to hold, too.
- posted by Jor @ 1:24 AM -

 
"For humans, Mood is everything: the rest is narrative."

My mood (and I think I'm not alone here) is connected to what I feel my future is going to be like. It is usually unexamined, non-intentional. And it has HUGE impact on my being in every moment of now. I'm in a pretty good mood right now, and the blank blogger box is not at all intimidating. Somedays I drive in to work feeling that nothing will keep me from my appointed productivity. Other days, I'm barely able to keep my attention on basic freeway survival. This is when I'm most vulnerable to the voices of negativity, the old hauntings of my youth, my own self-criticism.

Try this for a definition for Pride: when the only assessment that matters is my own.

I love this because it handles both arrogant pride and self-deprecating pride. The people who insist that they are terrible people are just as fixated on themselves and what they think as the straightforwardly hubristic narcissists. And when I'm proud, I don't feel proud. But I'm not asking about what my wife thinks, or my friends, or my boss, partner or customers. Pride talks about who I say I am. So what's the opposite? Holding as valid the assessments of others about me, including God. So I'm going to celebrate my existense as a social being! That means that my identity is not some mysterious black box I'm born with, some treasure I must unearth from deep within me. It means that my identity emerges in a social domain, with other people who I interact with. I am not good, bad, tall or thin (well, first because these are not "qualities", they are interpretations, and there must be an interpreter. Who would that be?) And I'm not even going to cheat and invoke God as the cosmic interpreter who underwrites "reality". Every human has his or her interpretations, and assessments. My identity exists within those conversations. I think God has His interpretations, and because He's God, I'm preeminantly concerned with His interpretations. But I'm not going to fall into the trap of thinking that God must have a certain assessment or interpretation just because it's so patently obvious to me.

Certainty is not a proof of truth. We had our pastor and his wife (their words for their social identities) over for dinner and had a great conversation. They grew up in a society where the "blacks" were obviously inferior. It wasn't even a question. As they grew up, the civil rights movement happened and suddenly what was obvious wasn't so obvious anymore. We goggle at the bigotry of our ancestors, and don't realize how gripped we are today in our own bigotry. Our children, no doubt, will be kind enough to inform us of it during their teenage years.

Culture and tradition, passed on to us in language, informs our interpretations of the world. We cannot escape it. Not without ceasing to be ourselves anyway. The new thinking that we "invent" was only made possible throught the thoughts, words, interpretations, and thinking that we have been exposed to as our minds are developing. As I read in "The Universe Next Door" last night. "We take in knowledge, not as a bottle takes in water, but as we take in food. We become it." And it becomes us. So, to bring this round full circle, "You are what you eat" including the conversations you eat, the assessments you produce in others of your social identity, the assessments you make of others, the mood you're in, the mood of those around you.

I really liked our pastor and his wife. They were great people to talk about, with great moods and great stories about life. It was a privilege to be with them, and I'm celebrating that too.
- posted by Jor @ 11:24 PM -

 
Bah. Stayed up too late again. Sleep now, blog later.
zzzzzz
- posted by Jor @ 2:00 AM -

 
I don't feel like blogging. But I don't get through life doing what I feel like doing. In fact, I have more breakdowns doing what I feel like doing than if I do what I know will produce the results I'm looking for.

Tonite I feel like the guy in the fairy tale who has the magic whatever that he only needs to rub it, and he'll get help. But he never thinks to rub it right away when he gets in trouble. He always gets pretty deep into trouble, then suddenly he remembers and rubs the things or says the magic words and then the conflict gets resolved, and they all live happily ever after.

My life is like that about prayer. Here I'm given access to the throneroom of God, and I don't think to pray first. I wait until I'm in big trouble, and then I ask for help. It's emotional, psychological or relational trouble. I'm not being kidnapped, or attacked by a monster or anything. It's dramatic like a Jane Austen novel is dramatic, not like John Clancy is.

Drama works well in stories, in fact, its the only way the story works, because a good story needs drama, and there's no drama if the hero doesn't get into trouble. There is more of an adventure, the virtues of good and the vices of evil are depicted more vividly in a dramatic story.

But who wants to live that way! (Besides ACOAs, I mean)

Don't most of us prefer the happily-ever-after? Maybe its a sign of age... err... maturity. I'm not up for the adventure any more. I'd just as soon live the denouement. I remember when I was looking for the fight. Now I'd just like to make things better for people without a lot of drama.

I lot of people at work are caught up in the drama of Palm vs. Microsoft. Some are foreign legionaires from Apple, continuing the good fight in a new marketplace. I'd just like to have the business make a profit and continue to build cool stuff that makes people's lives more productive, or easier to live, or even just more enjoyable.

At church, we're pursuing transformation of San Jose. I don't have a clear definition, but its where the Kingdom of God has a major impact on the life of an entire city. There is a video going around called Transformations, and it documents places where the Kingdom of God has come in such a powerful way that nearly the entire city follows Jesus. Crime rates plummet, in some cases miraculous agricultural abundance occurs. Its amazing. If you have the chance to see this video, I highly recommend it. AND this is a very dramatic process. It doesn't happen easily. There's often persecution to endure, people die.

And then there's Jesus's life. Lot's of drama. And His call, "if you want to be my disciple, you must pick up your cross [electric chair, hangman's noose, guillotine, lethal injection] and follow me". Very dramatic. Right now it overwhelm's me.

So if you ever hear of me doing something like that, you'll know that it was God in me, not me myself, that did it.
- posted by Jor @ 10:17 PM -

 
[shuffling figure hesitatingly approaches a microphone on a stand in the middle of a stage. He taps the microphone tentatively, as if he knows better, but just can't help himself]

Is this thing still on?

[squints past spotlight out into audience]

Can anyone hear me?

[single pair of hands start clapping slowly]

OK, well. I seem to have committed myself to keeping a blog again. It's been a while and I was never very consistent. They say that writers have to find their voice, and as a blogger, I still need to find mine.

Today we had some family friends visit. We really like these people and regularly get together with them. I appreciate their pace of life. I tend to be enthusiastic with lots of peaks and valleys in my feelings, passions, and actions. These folks are more consistent. They reflect on their life and act steadily to produce the future they want to live in. It's not like they control it or drive it. Rather, they are aware of the consequences of their actions and act over longer horizons of time to build their character, their friendships, their family and their business into the kind of life that they want to live in. To me, this is "grown up work": curbing your desire for gratification in the short term, for satisfaction in the long term. Proverbs is full of this kind of stuff. It reminds me of the title of that Eugene Petersen book "A Long Obedience in the Same Direction".

John Wimber used to teach pastors (and I extrapolate to other leaders as well) that God will bless whatever we put our hands to, so we should be mindful of what we put our hands to. I'm taking it personally, the genie is out of the bottle and asking for my wishes, but he does not listen to my words. He listens to my deeds. What kind of future do I want to colonize? Do I want to live in a future where my relationship with God is deepening, my character strengthening, the Kingdom expanding, my family developing strong bonds of love, my children's faith growing, my community seeing transformation? Then I need to live today putting my attention, putting my hand to those things. I'm not looking for instant answers, but a steady willing, a mindful action, inevitable accumulation. It's like compound interest: effective action leads to effective action, ineffective action leads to ineffective action. Does this sound similar to "the rich get richer and the poor get poorer"? I think they are definately related. I think its basic human design: we get better at what we practice. Ask yourself, "What did I practice today?"

In our homeschool meetings Helen and I don't ask ourselves,"Are the kids learning?", we ask, "What are the kids learning?"

Today I realized that I need to ask for help from someone in the church. I'll contact him on Tuesday. I'm not comfortable with this because I don't know him very well, but I want to live in a future where I ask people for help at the drop of the hat. Its only pride that keeps me from it, and everyone needs the opportunity to be helpful. Besides, he can say, "No." and I'm sure he'll be very nice about it if he does.
- posted by Jor @ 12:18 AM -